At a certain age, when you have a pain that should go away in a few days, it never goes away in a few days. My left hip has been hurting now since the Vietnam War ended, so the doctor recommended that I take a new medicine that would surely solve the problem if it didn’t kill me. I got the prescription filled at the pharmacy, where — thanks to my comprehensive health insurance — I only had to turn over two mortgage payments.
After I got the medicine, I read the information sheet carefully. Much too carefully.
Before taking this medication, I should have told my doctor or pharmacist that I am allergic to ingredients in this medication and also to horseradish. Furthermore, I should have gone over with my doctor or pharmacist my entire medical history, including any bleeding problems, eye diseases and the time I accidentally slashed open a part of my thigh with a scissors. (In my defense, it was a right-handed scissors and I am a leftie.)
Dizziness and headache may occur when taking this medication. Alcohol or marijuana taken with this medication can make you even more dizzy but at least you will be in a better mood when you stumble and crash into the glass coffee table. Do not drive, use machinery or listen to talk radio while taking this medication until you can do it safely and not scream “Are you kidding me?”
To reduce the risk of dizziness when you get up from a sitting position, hit yourself hard in the groin with a hammer so you will not want to get up. Permanent blindness may follow and if it does, you will not be able to read this listing of side effects.
While taking this medication, unusual dreams may occur, including one where you are naked dangling from a flagpole in the middle of the Roman Forum and being whipped by your first-grade teacher, Miss Bave. If you have had this dream before, decrease your dosage. If you have never had this dream before and would like to, take two extra pills at bedtime.
Get medical help right away if you notice slime coming out of your fingertips or if oatmeal appears attractive. There could be sudden weight gain, which you will recognize when you can’t put on any clothes because they no longer fit and you have to go naked to your business meeting at the Roman Forum.
Hair loss can happen during the first few months of treatment with this medication. After that, you are likely to grow excessive hair on your bedside lamp. A very serious reaction to this medicine is rare, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be the one person in 10,886 who actually gets enlarged nose hair.
This medication also may weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to colds, coughs and bubonic plague. If you come down with bubonic plague, call 911 immediately and explain first that you are not pranking them. When walking through the neighborhood with bubonic plague, you must avoid being near people who are sick or have recently been sick or who post comments on white supremacist websites and are really sick
In rare cases, you can die from this medication. It’s possible you may prefer that to enlarged nose hair.
Make sure to take this medication with food, which never ever means Doritos or a frozen White Castle hamburger. Also, be sure to drink at least one eight-ounce glass of water with the pill to help minimize occasional retching and regular projectile vomiting.
If you are pregnant while taking this medicine and are a man, reduce activity and contact the National Enquirer.
Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than projectile vomiting.
This is not a complete list of side effects. If you encounter other side effects not listed above, boy, are you in trouble. If these side effects persist or worsen, you are probably dead.