My mobile bill is mobile again. It’s moving. Up.

According to my most recent statement, this is what I’m now being charged for:

Basic phone line access, but only to another basic phone line, most likely the landline owned by my Aunt Sophie, who believes her toaster is high-tech: $12.79.

Basic phone line access to the rest of the world, including the ability to receive six reminder calls from the ophthalmologist about that upcoming appointment that’s not upcoming until the second week in May: $8.20.

Mobile to mobile calls, on Thursdays to Saturdays, during lunchtime: $7.23.

Mobile to mobile calls, Sundays to Wednesdays, before breakfast: $3.15.

Mobile to mobile calls, if no one answers, any time of the day, because they don’t recognize your number and think you are blind-calling and trying to sell them aluminum siding: $4.16.

Mobile to non-mobile calls, but with members of the immediate family who say they can’t talk right now because they’re binge-watching Game of Thrones, again: $3.40.

Mobile calls to Mobile, AL., shoulder season only: $2.99.

Non-mobile calls to royals but non-mobiles on Queen Elizabeth’s official birthday: £9.32.

Friends-and-family calls, second Sunday of the month, to family members who swore to you that they didn’t vote the way you think they might have voted: $5.87.

Night/Weekend calls, only from Cousin Hal, who doesn’t realize that there’s a three-hour time difference between California and the East Coast and who thus calls at three minutes before midnight here, ruining sleep for the next four days: $11.12.

Unlimited text message allowance limited to text messages where someone has actually written out “you” instead of “u”: $1.83.

Text messages that include emojis: $.84.

Text messages that include an emoji you can’t decipher and are not sure whether it’s a happy face or the original flag of Switzerland: $1.11.

Text messages that don’t include emojis because your sister-in-law can’t figure out how to find the emojis on the new smartphone she just bought: $2.66.

Emoji allowance, depending on how much allowance you want to give to your emojis: $.82.

Video embedded in texts of something you’re not interested in sent by someone you don’t know concerning a previous text you don’t remember: $4.08.

Data allowance, including three dates that are allowed during this particular pay period, as long as they are not a Tuesday: $3.71.

Five hundred megabytes of data, which is equivalent to two pints, three liters or one imperial gallon: $5.96.

Equipment charges, although you have no equipment other than the Swiss Army knife you haven’t been able to open since you were officially discharged from the Swiss Army: $6.74.

Charges, surcharges, supercharges, discharges, barges, garages and other charges for all the stuff for which you haven’t already been charged: $13.93.

Taxes and fees, designed to round up the bill to the nearest amount that is higher than the amount you were charged last month: $19.57.

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