A man walks into a bar. A coffee bar.

I’d like a coffee, please, he says to the barista, which is an Italian word meaning over-priced.

Would you like freshly brewed, cold-brewed, whole bean, medium bean, baked bean or been there? Or have you done that? the barista replies.

Just a regular coffee, really.

Would that be a cappuccino, an Americano, a macchiato, a frappucino, an affogato or an Italian-English dictionary?

Actually, any kind of coffee would be fine.

Fair trade, direct trade, organic, certified totally vegan, partially vegan, occasionally vegan, non-GMO, SPF 35 or better?

I’d like it to be hot.

Sun-dried, full-roasted, half-roasted, half-broiled, half-baked, single origin, cold-dripped, slow-dripped or spilled directly onto your shirt?

Plain would be fine.

Plain cold drip, plain dark roast, plain micro-lot or plane, train or automobile?

Just plain plain. And make it de-caf, please.

Organically decaffeinated, naturally decaffeinated but not certified organic, water-decaffeinated, chemically decaffeinated or caffeine carefully culled from each bean itself, individually, one by one, by highly trained workers who have brought the beans here themselves from Guatemala, Kenya, Jamaica and south Jersey. On a plane.

However it’s easiest. And I’ll take it with a little milk, the man says.

Whole milk? the barista replies. Or 2-percent milk, 0-percent milk, soy milk, almond milk, chocolate milk, buttermilk or seltzer, although we are out of almond seltzer today?

I’ll take it with regular milk.

Would you like that milk to be flat white, whipped-free, crema or cortado, and I don’t know what those terms mean either in case you were going to ask.

And do you want it with any flavorings — a little peppermint, a touch of praline, some butterscotch, cinnamon dolce, white chocolate or red Twizzler?

Just plain.

OK, then, how would you like it prepared? K-Cup? Chemex? Filtered? French press, dry cleaned or washed and folded?

In a cup would be good.

Venti, grande, trenta? Eensy, weensy, spider?

Oh, and I’ll have it to-go.

In that case, you’ll need our special recyclable, non-corrugated, Styrofoam-substitute to-go cup that will double the price and still scald your fingers.

Come to think of it, maybe, instead, I’ll just have a cup of tea. Got any Lipton’s?

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