Before ordering from our sustainable, farm-to-table, locally sourced, seasonally focused, regionally based, hormone-free, slow-cooked, artisanal, low-sodium, high cholesterol, pan-Asian fusion menu, do you have any questions?

Yes, we can assure you, all our dishes are gluten-free. There is absolutely no extra cost for the gluten, although for parties of six or more, we do require an 18-percent cover charge, a 20-percent gratuity and no check-splitting.

No, none of our dishes have been produced on equipment that also may have been used to process products that might contain linguini. Do you think we’re nuts?

If you’re concerned about any lactose allergies, none of our products include lactose except for the milkshakes, the cheeses, the ice cream, any butter that’s on the table, our puddings, custards, creams, cheesecake and yes, our milk. We do offer, however, a number of lactose substitutes, such as Cheerios.

In addition, you’ll be relieved to know that no one on our wait staff is lactose intolerant. Some of their best friends, in fact, have milked a fixation with lactose for all its worth. They won’t ask and they won’t tell if lactose shows up unannounced and without a reservation, as long as it’s not Friday or Saturday nights.

For those of you who also have problems with soy products, oy.

However, if you do have a dairy allergy, we’d recommend against ordering most anything on the menu but particularly watch out for the egg salad on quinoa unless you’re sure about how to pronounce quinoa.

There is, though, no need to be concerned about our shellfish since it’s all humanely harvested, mainly because we could not get robots to do the work. The shellfish are locally sourced, as well, which wasn’t easy considering we are 120 miles from the coast, which is a long day trip, and it’s really difficult to find a weekend condo at the beach this time of year.

If you can’t eat meat, that’s not a problem because we do have a number of vegetarian options and a series of questions to determine if you’re not eating meat for philosophical reasons, dietary restrictions, humanitarian concerns, purely esthetic principles or if you’re just being really difficult. If it turns out you’re just being really difficult, we’ll keep asking if everything’s OK or if you want more water just when you start to chew.

Finally, for any of you worried about growing an extra eye in the middle of your forehead, particularly during the entree course, you’ll be happy to know that we only use GMOs when we have run out of BBQ and BLT from our local GNC.

Do you have any more questions? Or would you like a few more minutes before you decide what you’re allowed to eat?

 

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