Now that that’s over, I think it’s about time for me to officially declare my candidacy for the 2020 presidential election.

Some of you may think that this is a bit too early, but according to my pollsters, it’s currently 10:34 a.m., and most of you already have had breakfast. And I’m already 17 minutes behind Ted Cruz.

I am placing my hat in the ring for the presidency of the United States for a number of reasons, including mostly that I have a number of extra hats I bought when it looked like hats were coming back and hipsters started wearing fedoras. Now that they’ve mostly switched to knit caps, I had a surplus of hats and my pollsters advised me to flood the market as long as I didn’t reveal my financial interest in flooding the market.

I am running because we need to take this country in another direction. North would be good, where there’s Canada and most people are nice and everybody has insurance and knows how to ice skate. Due west is also a possibility, particularly if it turns out I was wrong and Hawaii really isn’t a separate country and we can’t move our embassy to the beach.

I am running for the presidency because it’s time this country finally admitted that it is faster than walking for the presidency. A country that cannot agree on a simple fact like that is a country that is so highly polarized it probably can’t even agree that it is so highly polarized.

I am running because I firmly believe that I can unite the factions that have for so long divided our country and split our parties. Who wants a split party where only some of the guests get goody bags? Let’s make America goody again.

I recognize that I have a long, uphill battle before me because I am, frankly, not a billionaire, nor have I played one on TV. And I realize that according to the new 28th amendment to the Constitution, passed quickly this past Sunday during NFL playoff games, this is now a requirement to be president.

I will work to delete that amendment, or at least use the backspace key, assuming I can’t make a lot of money really soon in the financial hat sector selling fedora derivatives.

I know, as well, that right now I am only one of 362 already-declared candidates for the presidency in 2020. But over the next four years, I promise you, my fellow Americans, that I will distinguish myself from the pack by never again using the phrase “my fellow Americans.”

Today, after this announcement, I will be heading to Iowa and then New Hampshire, assuming I can use my frequent flyer miles and am allowed one free carry-on bag. According to my pollsters, the primaries will be here before we know it.

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