What a year.Just about everything happened.

And, of course, it’s only just begun.

So let’s take a look at the highlights of 2017, most of which haven’t happened yet.

Jan. 14: I get put on hold by the cable company, mainly because my call is important to them.

Feb. 6: First New Year’s resolution of the year, the one about exercise, formally interred.

Feb. 29: This is a trick highlight to see if you will be paying attention during the year. In fact, nothing happened on Feb. 29 because there will be no Feb. 29 despite what you saw on Facebook.

March 18: To everyone’s relief, researchers discover that 2017 is not a presidential election year.

April 11: In a stunning move, Amazon, the online retailer, buys Germany. Market analysts immediately downgrade France.

April 15: Tax Day is marked by the ritually unsuccessful search for last year’s tax forms.

April 25: Protests erupt nationwide as federal officials refuse to recognize my birthday as a national holiday.

May 2: Chris Christie announces his 2020 presidential candidacy.

May 3: Chris Christie drops out of 2020 presidential campaign.

June 2: So much for the second New Year’s resolution, the one about diet.

June 8: Newt Gingrich announces on Twitter that, as we all suspected, Newt is not really his name.

June 17: International Olympic Committee decides to add getting through the TSA airline security checkpoint as an Olympic event.

June 30: Crowds celebrate the newly won freedom to drink red wine with fish.

July 1: I’m still on hold, but I’m listening carefully because menu options have recently changed.

July 5: In a Pew survey poll, 73 percent of Americans admit that they forgot the day before was July 4. Nineteen percent said they celebrated it on Memorial Day.

July 22: Kale officially banned from menus in four states.

Aug. 24: Congressional hearings on filling the empty Supreme Court seat continue into their sixth month, with partisans on both sides saying they are willing to consider the “nuclear option” or at least smearing each other with orange Dorito hands.

Sept. 4: Americans celebrate Labor Day in the traditional manner, by working hard to burn cheeseburgers to an unrecognizable crisp.

Sept. 17: The Christmas shopping season officially begins.

Sept. 18: The Easter shopping season officially begins.

Oct. 6: I’m still on hold, and the music jingle playing in the background is really starting to get to me and make me grind my teeth.

Nov. 3: Chris Christie announces his presidential candidacy for 2024.

Nov. 28: The price of gas remains steady, but pickle prices plummet as vast new stocks of brine are discovered in Brooklyn.

Dec. 8: Facebook, Apple and Google all merge, creating a tech behemoth that will require only one master password to eat, sleep and breathe.

Dec. 31: I’m still on hold, and my call is still important to them.

 

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