A classic Thanksgiving recipe, updated for these perilous, angry times (heartburn included).

8 guests, (3 Trumpites, 4 Hillaries, 1 Gary Johnson who arrives late because he didn’t know where the dining room was)

60 years of family squabbles, still stewing and added to the pot

1 gallon of raw fear

1/2 gallon of boiling rage

1 pint of unadulterated guilt

2 quarts of mild frustration

6 cups of exasperation

4 cups of free-range fury

2 pints of low-fat antagonism

3 pounds of gluten-free complaining

1 pound of blame

2 broken promises

4 ounces of milk, spilled

2 ounces of crying, over spilled milk

3 tablespoons of minced irritation, convertible to half a cup of spite.

2 teaspoons of annoyance extract

½ teaspoon of bad timing

¼ teaspoon of touchiness

A sprinkle of irritation

A dash of accusation

A hint of reproach

A splash of annoyance

A pinch of reality

A dusting of growing dissatisfaction


2 quarts of reduced-sodium, high-octane arguments (You can find these at your local Twitter or Facebook, but remember that long-simmering arguments are always more flavorful and cut more deeply.)

1 pound of cure (you are likely to need more, particularly if you have forgotten the ounce of prevention)


Pre-heat oven to 425 degrees, although everyone is hot already.

Mix table settings, putting Aunt Sophie on the left of Uncle Charlie, who is alt-right. Cousin Judy should be near sister Jackie, because she’s with Her, but far away from Susie’s husband Bernie, who is a bro. Let speaker Paul sit by himself because no one, on either side of the table, likes him very much anymore.

Discuss football, the weather (but not climate change), music (but not Beyonce or Springsteen, Bon Jovi or Ted Nugent,) and your health (but, yes, not the Affordable Care Act) for as long as you can. (Everything can be prepared and stored up to this point, but will likely seep out anyway while you are cleaning up a mess in the kitchen.)

Combine all the remaining ingredients in a large zipper top bag, forcing the air out, and shake forcefully until everyone has become agitated.

Make sure the smoke alarms are working.

Serves no one.