Your smartphone is ready for an update. Are you prepared for it to become smarter? Are you prepared for you to become dumber?

Here are the details on what software update 10.1.1.3.1415, subsection B, amendment 4, Cubs won, will do for you:

When you sit on your phone and inadvertently make a call — or as we term it, a “but” call, because you immediately whine, “But I didn’t call you” — your phone will always call your local pizza place. That way you don’t have to apologize, particularly if you order pepperoni and a choice of one other topping.

The update will fix issues that have caused the phone to explode while you are having breakfast.

You will now have the option to ignore all calls from Larry, from high school, who found you on Facebook and now wants you to read his 362-page screenplay about the importance of peat moss.

With the update, Google will answer your searches before you actually start searching and deliver them to your house by drone. Google will also answer somebody else’s searches and deliver them to your house by drone so be prepared for significant information on 19th-century cellists and reviews of the Trolls movie.

The camera in your smartphone will no longer take photos of your thumb that you had accidently placed in front of the lens. Unfortunately, it will still take photos of someone else’s thumb when you try to take a selfie.

In addition, the smartphone will hit you over the head again and again and again if you ever buy a selfie stick.

Instead of being alphabetized, your contact list will now be arranged in descending order of those whom you least want to run into at the supermarket on the days when you haven’t washed your hair.

You will have new options for ignoring calls, emails and texts from Aunt Evelyn.

The update fixes an issue that caused the smartphone to smell like cabbage once a month on Tuesdays. Smelling issue will now be limited to the month of March.

Resolves an issue that prevented your children from getting back to you even though you had contacted them several times, using all available platforms, and still don’t know if they are coming over to dinner Sunday night.

Addresses an issue that could cause your toes to hurt while texting.

Will now translate route directions from the Serbo-Croat to the Latvian. Future updates are expected to enable the translation of route directions from the Latvian to the Serbo-Croat. So, for the time being, only head to Latvia.

With the update, when you are listening to someone explaining how they absolutely knew the election was going to turn out that way, your phone will automatically start ringing, and you will be able to quickly explain you have to go and take that call.

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