Want to talk about kale? We can talk about kale.

Or, if you prefer, let’s change the subject to lower back pain. We can discuss whose is worse.

Then again, I could tell you about how much mileage per gallon my car gets, highway and city, or we could chat about real estate, yoga classes, the Crimean War, or even yoga classes during the Crimean War.

Yes, let’s do that, so we don’t have to talk about the election.

And by the way, have I told you I’m having trouble with re-seeding my lawn and getting grass to grow in places where grass has never grown, like on my driveway? If I have told you, then can I move on to tell you about my lawn’s leaf problem, and how leaves keep falling even after I blow and rake them away?

I mean, I did it yesterday and there are leaves out there again today. What’s up with that?

If you know, please tell me, so we don’t have to talk about the election.

Incidentally, and I know this is embarrassing to admit, but — to be completely honest — I’ve never really understood the difference between sugar snap peas and snow pea pods. I’m not sure I actually know which is which since they’re both sort of green and vegetable-like.

And I also really can’t tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. And I bet if you blindfolded people, most of them wouldn’t be able to tell the difference either.

In fact, let’s do that. Let’s blindfold everyone, so we’ll focus on getting the blindfolds off and won’t have to talk about the election.

While we’re blindfolded, that will give us time to think about why is it that men’s shirts button on the right but women’s shirts button on the left. Is there any philosophical reason for that? Is it an evolutionary thing? Is it in any way connected to the Cubs winning the World Series?

This is definitely worth discussing since it will mean we don’t have to discuss the election.

Hey, can you still remember what the trigonometric functions are? I can, because of the mnemonic device I learned in seventh grade called Soak Your Toe. Of course, that’s actually SOH-CAH-TOA, which means, naturally, that Sine equals Opposite divided by Hypotenuse; Cosine equals Adjacent divided by Hypotenuse; and Tangent equals Opposite divided by Adjacent.

No, I also have absolutely no idea what any of that means either, but at least, you have to admit, I’m not talking about the election.

Which reminds me: If a bird flies over the sea, it’s a seagull. Does that mean if it flies over the bay it’s a bagel?

It’s an interesting philosophical question that’s worth pondering, or at least cream cheese, because if we do ponder then we don’t have to talk about the election.

In fact, we could ponder and contemplate and muse and consider all day, we could even ruminate and cogitate, as long as we don’t have to talk about the election.

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