Although there’s still a week to go before Election Day, and before we all can get back to angrily arguing about football and basketball, my concession speech is ready so I thought I’d give it now.

Let me first say that I have decided not to contest the results of the election, even though I am fairly certain that a recount, taking into account people who wanted to vote for me but had to go to the movies instead, would easily reverse my 17.4 million vote deficit. From the reports I keep getting from totally objective close family members, I also know there have been irregularities at the polls, with some people having voted without responding to all my desperate emails and frantic robo calls.

But, indeed, the people have spoken. And while we don’t agree with what they are saying, we also believe their grammar isn’t very good. Plus, with their accent, it’s really hard to understand them. We hope that, in the future, they will speak more slowly.

Despite our loss, we can take pride in knowing that we gave it a good shot, particularly considering that before this campaign we didn’t know that Election Day was always on a Tuesday when we normally go to Zumba class. We fought hard to bring our issues to the fore — like eliminating rust and preserving geckos. We stood for the freedom to drink red wine with chicken and to never say you’re sorry that you’ve never seen Game of Thrones.

No matter the results, we should be proud that we have stuck to our principles, even though we have had some difficulty finding them. It’s possible we left them at the diner. They could be in the back seat of the car. If any of you know where they are, please email us care of WikiLeaks.

And despite the occasional setback during this campaign, including those times when we encouraged students to vote or they would be kept in detention or those times when we spoke in tongues, from the beginning we have done what we said we’d do: spend a lot of money on ads that insult our opponent, not to mention our intelligence.

And speaking of my opponent, let me offer my sincere congratulations, you slime ball.

Now I know there are some who would say that I sound bitter, and that now is not the time for bitterness but for healing. I would just remind you that those are people who are in the pocket of the Band-Aid and antiseptic lobbies.

Last of all, I’d like to thank my family for their support, for standing with me and supporting me throughout this long and difficult road, never once mentioning that the GPS said we were on the wrong road and should have made a left 12 miles back.

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