There have been changes in our terms of service. Please read the information below to understand how the terms have changed and how you are even more really up the creek now.

  • Beginning with the first day of the new month, we will be sharing your personal information, including your Body Mass Index, with pretty much anyone we can think of.
  • If you would not want our business partners to know that you are, technically speaking, “morbidly obese,” please send us, under separate cover, any french fries you have turned down during the last billing period.
  • Beginning with the first day of the new month, you will be receiving six emails per hour from Old Navy, because we told them you like pants.
  • The new interest rate beginning with the first day of the new month will be 38.6 percent for the first three hours and then will quadruple every time you interject the phrase “you know” while trying to tell a joke.
  • The minimum payment each month will be equal to 1.03 percent of the total outstanding balance multiplied by the median American League batting average, as published in The Wall St. Journal on the 15th of every month, as long as the month doesn’t have an “r” in it.
  • If you pay the minimum payment each month you will be in debt to us forever and we will have the right to borrow your lawnmower whenever we want.
  • You will be billed for our service on the 12th of every month for the rest of your life unless you officially let us know that you are closing the account.
  • You can only officially close the account by sending us a pizza.
  • Any changes to the account must be made in writing and notarized by someone at our local branch who answers to the name of “Chester, Jr.”
  • Payments must be received by the end of the business day.
  • Just so you know, we’re talking about the business day in Doha, Qatar.
  • We must receive your notice of cancellation on a Tuesday. It could be raining, or not.
  • Your heirs will be responsible, in perpetuity, for supplying us with Oreos.
  • The billing period will begin on receipt of this notice of our new terms and will end as soon as we send out a new notice of our newer terms.

If you agree to the new terms of service, please check the box below. It’s the one that says “I Agree.” If you are looking for the box that says “I Don’t Agree,” it’s not there.

If you don’t agree to the new terms of service, you’ll probably check the “I Agree” box anyway because you haven’t actually even looked at the 14 points above and don’t realize that we are selling all your really personal information to Walmart.