According to the most recent poll numbers:

There’s a 36-percent chance that 42 percent of voters believe that the other 58 percent of voters are 93 percent idiots.

Meanwhile, 55 percent of voters who identify as college graduates acknowledge they only passed 9th-grade biology because they copied from the person sitting next to them.

Nineteen percent of the people sitting next to them say they were completely faking it and making up the answers as they went along. Fourteen percent of those now say they regret that and hope their children don’t do the same thing. Eight percent of those parents are paying ridiculous tutoring fees to make sure their children get into the right preschool even if they’re no good at biology.

Sixty-one percent of registered voters have no idea what a salted caramel mocha frappacino is while 70 percent believe that it is untrustworthy and wouldn’t like to see it in charge of the nuclear codes.

Forty-two percent of voters firmly believe they would soundly defeat the 29 percent of voters who identify as left-handed in a game of corn hole. However, they are 16 percent certain that 79 percent of left-handers have chosen that lifestyle, of their own volition, and are trying to foist it on 81 percent of vegans.

Fifty-nine percent of registered voters say they have no idea what the word “foist” means. However, 84 percent of registered voters in Brooklyn don’t buy that.

No likely voters know how to use the word “volition” correctly.

Nationwide, 88 percent of registered voters said they are leaning toward leaving the country and taking a leisurely cruise in the Baltics. Meanwhile, 66 percent of likely voters only say they are likely because they think saying that will make them eligible for any possible prizes, including the Mini-Mate Igloo ice chest, the poll-takers may be offering.

In a two-way race, 94 percent of more or less likely voters say they are more or less likely to vote for one of the ways. However, in a four-way race, which would include candidates whom you couldn’t identify if they knocked on your door and asked to borrow a cup of margarine, 73 percent of likely voters said they were leaning to butter.

The percentage that preferred olive oil, except at higher temperatures, was too low to measure, pollsters said.

As an indication of how close the race has become, exactly 50 percent of likely registered voters preferred chocolate, while 50 percent of likely registered voters expressed a preference for vanilla. Analysts say that is well within the margin of error.

But with fewer than eight weeks to go until Election Day, 97 percent of voters wish the next eight weeks would disappear. And 100 percent of real people report they have never actually been polled by anyone and wonder how come everyone else has.

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