As requested, I am finally releasing my tax returns, which I would have done earlier if only I could have found them. Finally, I have been able to locate them in my recipe box, filed right behind all my recipes for tapioca pudding.

I am also releasing my recipes for tapioca pudding at this time.

This release of my tax records is in keeping with the American tradition of providing the public what it needs to know as long as it doesn’t understand what it knows and promises not to tell anyone what it knows or post it on Facebook until after the election.

I understand that releasing my tax returns provides voters with a fuller picture of how many times I had to fill out the first page of my 1040 because I kept forgetting to write in my middle initial at the top of the form. Also, I believe it is important for the public to know that I, too, do not have any clue what line 3 of Form 4562 means by “Threshold cost of section 179.”

I think all of us, even if we are in different tax brackets, can agree we have no idea even if there’s a section 179 and that referencing it might simply be a cute trick question from the Internal Revenue Service who wanted to make sure we were all paying attention.

I would have released these tax returns earlier, except that my accountant, Bert D. Duction, was still checking to see if I could claim last summer’s trip to the beach as a business expense since it could have been part of the research for my proposed book on the origin of sand and what to do with it if it gets stuck in your swim trunks.

So, then, here they are, but first let me here respond to some of the questions you might have about my tax returns.

Yes, my medical deduction three years ago was six times the national average but I would like to remind the public that was the year my wife had emergency root canal just before we were set to go on vacation. As the Internal Revenue Service has determined, tax filers are well within their rights to scream in pain when they have root canals.

As you’ll also notice, on line 12, I forgot to add the percentage of line 6 to the square root of line 11. I am considering filing an amended return, which I will release when it’s fully mended.

Finally, the public should note that once you subtract amortization from adjusted gross income, before adding the depreciation allowance subject to section 168(f)(1), the election might actually be over and none of it will matter.

Now, in my continuing commitment to full and incomprehensible information, I next plan to release my health records, as long as my doctors don’t mention anything about that hernia operation in 1989.

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