Welcome to our campus, the place where you will live for the next four years or, in some cases, and you know who you are, five, six or seven years.

We’re so pleased you have chosen this university even if we were your safety school and you didn’t get into any of your top four choices.  Nevertheless, you are the best, or at least pretty good. Well, not that bad.

You have been chosen from among a multitude of high-achieving students who come from all over the country and the world but nevertheless all speak the same language. Unfortunately, that language frequently includes the use of the words “dude” or “bro” as a salutation.

We know you have many questions now, such as where, exactly, is the ivory tower? And what are the groves of academe and can you get to them on the shuttle bus? Those questions will be answered in due time, which is professorial talk for “after my sabbatical.”

In the meantime, as soon as you finish moving into your dorm and unpacking all your 17 personal electronic devices, you will begin embarking on a great voyage. Of course, that will just be to get to your first period class, which, you will find out, will be on the complete other end of the campus.

You will have to walk over there because there is no parking available anywhere on the campus, or for that matter, in much of the developed world, and even some of your professors have to park in New Jersey unless they have tenure.

While you are walking, please do not text at the same time or check your Twitter feed or Tumblr accounts because you may bump into an un-tenured professor who has had an even longer walk than you. In addition, many of them have had to enroll in the lower-level university health insurance plan because of the high premiums for the premium plan and thus are not covered for texting accidents.

After unpacking, the great adventure begins and you will start to discover who you really are and if you can fit that personal essence into 140 characters when you send out a tweet.

During this journey of self-discovery, you will work hard and find resources within yourself that will enable you to finish a history paper on the underlying causes of the Crimean War even though it’s 4:30 a.m. on Monday morning and you haven’t slept much since the conclusion of the Crimean War.

You will explore many various and challenging fields of interest, and try to figure out if it’s possible to carve out a career based on, for example, your strong commitment to pizza. But as you start out on your academic journey, do not forget your parents.

They are leaving you in our care today. And all of them want you to remember just one thing: Don’t call them dude or bro, particularly when asking them for money.

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