Dear presumptive presidential nominee:

I know you’re very busy, what with soliciting money and also soliciting money, but important decisions are coming. And nothing is more important — except, perhaps, for soliciting money — than selecting the person who will run with you.

So let me help you out. Here is my list of reasons why you should choose me as your vice-presidential running mate.

I’m experienced at running. While it’s true that I did paste that “13.1” sticker onto the car even though I have never actually run a half marathon, I have run and completed several 5Ks. Together, they probably total around half a marathon. Or pretty close, if you round up. And I once came in fourth in my age group during a 5K (fortunately, most of the people in my age group were having surgery that day.)

I would complement your appeal. Where you are weak, I would be strong. Where you are strong, I would be on vacation, possibly in Cancun, and not get in the way. Where you make a fool of yourself, I would make a fool of myself.

I can offer real balance to the ticket. In fact, ever since that bout of vertigo last month, I have been practicing my balance exercises, closing my eyes and standing on one foot. While I have found this particularly difficult while eating dinner and also while driving, I think I am making real progress. And, you know, closing my eyes and keeping them closed also would be useful for a vice president.

I understand that the role of the vice-presidential candidate during the campaign is generally to serve as the presidential nominee’s attack dog. And I can be an attack dog, as long as you’re comfortable with dachshunds or maybe Yorkshire terriers. Furthermore, I am more than willing to condemn our opponents as even more unfit for office than we are.

I know that the vice president is a second banana and while it’s true that I prefer cantaloupe or especially ripe blueberries, second bananas are good if the first one has been covered in melted chocolate and chopped nuts. And did you know that you can freeze bananas and they taste like ice cream?

While the only actual job of the vice president is to preside over the Senate and cast a tie-breaking vote, the second most important job is going to funerals. I’ve occasionally enjoyed going to funerals, particularly if they are for people who I thought had died eight years earlier. Also, some can have really good canapes at the reception afterwards.

The vice president is second in command and I am used to coming in second. In my eighth-grade spelling bee, I came in second and would have come in first if only I had spelled the word suprise correctly.

I don’t need to live in the White House. I’d probably get it dirty.

 

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