In my neighborhood, there are lawns so neat and trim they are neater and trimmer than my bedroom. (Granted, that’s not a great accomplishment, since my bedroom is covered in Smithsonian magazines from the 1980s, but still, these neighborhood lawns are very impressive, particularly if you’re impressed by grass.)

So to get back in the game, I have a lawn service that comes every month or so to take care of my lawn, although, I acknowledge, this is difficult to believe if you’ve actually seen my lawn. The lawn service came last week, and as always, left an unintelligible note about the condition of the lawn.

“You have an excessive amount of shade on your property,” the note began, as if we hadn’t noticed the trees in front of the house or didn’t spend months every fall ignoring all the leaves falling from all the trees in front of the house. “In shady areas, lawns will become thin, weak and have a harder time tolerating stressful conditions, including preparation of income tax forms or hosting a family Thanksgiving dinner. You might consider watering from time to time.

“We tested the pH level of your soil today. It is clearly missing vowels. Nevertheless, we have added more Hs to the mix with a professional power sprayer and a dilution of 2.5 percent maximum concentration. If you would like to know exactly what that means, please go to our web site and we will offer you irrelevant information on one of our convenient payment programs.

“We also observed moss on your lawn this morning. We told him to leave. But moss is not just the name of your Aunt Sarah’s most difficult son. It is also a primitive plant that forms a felt-like mat over the soil surface. This would make your lawn more appropriately used as a good billiards table top and would add to the value of your house almost as much as new granite countertops would.

“This morning we applied a herbicide to your lawn. This means that no one named Herb is allowed on your lawn for the next three days or until he changes his name. He could change it to Moss if he likes.

“We noticed that your lawn has several bare spots as well as a number of brown spots along with all of your bald spots. We were also able to discover some grass nearby. Or those may have been weeds.

“As part of our service, we power-sprayed a 17.0.5 dilution of professional-grade 3.25 fertilizer on the 2.5 percent of your lawn that is not weeds. You should start to see a difference in your lawn in about two weeks after you sell the house.

“In sum, your lawn is looking good! Although it does remain an absolute embarrassment to the neighborhood and much of the rest of the state. We’ll see you next month!”