I’m turning over the blog today to my email out-of-office assistant, who’s working while I’m not.

I am out of the office from 9:15 a.m. to 10:12 a.m. today. I may not be checking email during that time because I may be asleep. In my absence, please don’t contact anyone who might wake me up.

I am out of the office from 10:12 a.m. until Thursday, June 30. If you need immediate assistance during that time, you may be, you know, in big trouble. If this is an emergency, you may be in even bigger trouble.

I am out of the office from July 1 until July 14. I will try to respond after I return unless I get distracted by too many time-saving electronic devices.

I am out of the office from Friday, July 15, until Wednesday, July 27. I will not be reachable during this time by email, text, snapchat, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, phone, Skype, direct message or yodel. I will respond when I return unless I decide instead to take a tramp steamer to French Guyana and write a New York Times bestselling novel about my thinly veiled experiences. In that case, don’t leave a message unless you are The New York Times.

I am out of the office from Thursday, July 28, until the end of the month. I may be checking email during that time or, on the other hand, I may not be. Frankly, you will never know which option I choose. So much for technology bringing us together.

I am out of the office from Aug. 1 to Sept. 1. During that time, I would like to be floating on an inflatable chaise lounge in my private pool on Mick Jagger’s private island in the Caribbean with a light breeze wafting in from the west and my private butler on the way with my favorite pina colada. Most likely, though, I am in Jersey City visiting estranged relatives and helping them try to make peace with the cousins in Florida.

I am out of the office from Sept. 1 to Sept. 15. If this is urgent, please contact Kathleen Friedman, who may also be out of the office. She, in turn, will suggest you contact Clay Kramer, who is likely to be on vacation as well. Clay may have you contact Barbara French, who hasn’t worked here since ’06.

I am out of the office from Sept. 16 until Sept. 18 and will be checking email infrequently during that time. Actually, I will not really be out of the office during that period but will be hiding underneath my desk trying to avoid my annual performance review.

I am out of the office beginning Sept. 19 or until I figure out how to turn off my out-of-office assistant.