According to a recent research paper, an apple a day may or may not keep the doctor away.

In a longitudinal study that was conducted at several different longitudes but rarely strayed from the same latitude, researcher Edna G. (Granny) Smith discovered that some doctors — particularly radiologists — keep far away no matter what fruit is consumed.

Meanwhile, researchers at the Institute for Irrelevant Research, in Relevant, Croatia, found that the more you exercised the less likely you are to be able to balance your checkbook. They looked at 23 unmarried men between the ages of 25 and 93 who weren’t able to finish the Sunday crossword puzzle and discovered that if they bent over while tying their shoes they were 38 percent more likely to hit their heads on the dining room table.

That study, however, contradicts an earlier study, in the Journal of Earlier Studies, that showed that if you eat too much you will gain weight no matter how many times you weigh yourself. However, getting up and down off the scale, for at least 30 minutes a day, for a minimum of four times per week, has been shown to have no meaning at all, according to the data.

Researchers at the Institute for Advanced Egg Whites have discovered that there is, after all, an I in Team. The scientists report that the I is only visible under infra-red light or when pronounced by someone of French origin. They also found there is definitely an I in equipe.

In a study of college students who have never let go of their smartphones, even while swimming, scientists have discovered that it is what it is really isn’t.

In an experiment, half the group was forced to watch 17 consecutive hours of reality television followed by six hours of reading the comments section of a newspaper article about the presidential election. The other half had to vacation in the Caribbean, at an all-inclusive resort in Barbados.

In a follow-up study, the group that didn’t go to the Caribbean beat 78 percent of the pulp out of several of the researchers.

In simultaneous studies, investigators in Paris and in Trenton, NJ, have discovered that, in fact, great minds don’t think alike. The two groups looked at data from 1,074 third-grade book reports. The French groups reported that french fries should really be called pommes frites while the New Jersey group tried to hail a cab. Both groups ended up throwing water balloons at each other.

In a meta-analysis, researchers at the Greenwich Observatory & Delicatessen confirmed that what goes around comes around.  They also noted, in results published in the Journal of Journals, that what comes around goes around.

Finally, a team of scientists report in a new paper that they have, in fact, reinvented the wheel. It’s still round, though.

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