Please note that this limited lifetime warranty for my lifetime is not limited to all the parts I don’t use very often, like that third toe from the right (does not even have a name), the ear lobes (generally useless if you’re not going with diamond studs) and the appendix, which I believe are the last few pages right before the index.

The rest of my body is under warranty to be free from defects in materials and workmanship, but only while under normal use, which doesn’t include regularly eating too many french fries, chewing on throat lozenges rather than sucking them or not doing a single ab crunch since the second week in March 2008.

According to federal regulations, fallen arches and receding hairline are not considered to be defects in materials or workmanship, but, rather, really bad luck in the genetic lottery. Really bad luck is not covered by this warranty.

This warranty also does not cover any damage to the product caused by smoking while I was in college because I thought it looked cool, walking outside to the mailbox without shoes on or other intentional misuse, such as Twinkies. Additionally, it does not cover accidental mishandling from going too many nights without sufficient sleep or closing the trunk of the car on my forehead.

The warranty does cover any repairs needed to correct defects in material or workmanship, such as being left-handed, as long as they were reported during the applicable warranty period (Feb.11 – Feb. 13, noon to 5) and which occurred under normal use, as long as purchaser maintains regular maintenance and doesn’t fall off the treadmill.

To receive full coverage during the warranty period, customer must agre to receive an endless stream of “valuable communications” from companies whose products I may once have Googled during a weak moment.

Repair services are covered one time only during the first 1,236,000 miles of operation or by the time I finally finish reading “The Scarlet Letter,” whichever comes first.

Repairs to correct defects in material or workmanship will be made at the discretion of an authorized practitioner who may suggest either a heating pad or an ice pack or may acknowledge that no one really knows which one’s better. Repairs may not be available on weekends or late at night or during holiday periods or at any other time when they are really needed.

Repairs are not guaranteed and may have to be repeated several times as product gets older and crankier.

To obtain warranty service, first register the claim by filling out the next 14 pages and create a password for the account that will soon be forgotten. Remember to include the model number (found under the tongue), vaccination record, dental chart and a complete list of all the ways that I have misused this product after promising not to.

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