Dear soon-to-be graduates,

I know you all would have preferred to do this via snapchat, but thank you anyway for listening to my commencement speech.

Before we begin, let me remind you that this speech will be available for binge-listening as soon as we are done here.  We will also be live tweeting the essence of my remarks or you could live stream them to your watch, add them to your news feed or just download the podcast as soon as you are finished posting your commencement selfies.

For those of you with more extensive attention deficit disorder, we will offer a six-second Vine version that will continually loop until you understand what I am saying.

So, as you finish uploading your GIFs of how you look in cap and gown and head out now into the real world, I’d like to remind you of a few reasons why that world is really real and not virtually real.

Beginning now, you will not be allowed to wear flip-flops to important meetings unless you are meeting with Mark Zuckerberg or one of the people from BuzzFeed or a start-up that has no products and no profits but a number of beanbag chairs, a ping pong table and a $3.4 billion valuation. If you are meeting with Mark Zuckerberg or one of the people from BuzzFeed, or a start-up with prospects, be sure to leave them my mobile number.

It is important to understand, as recently minted college graduates, that Instagram is generally not the preferred way of communicating with your parents, particularly if you are asking them for a loan, even just to tide you over until your start-up stock options become real money.

To make them happy, and to maybe get a bigger loan, consider calling them on their land lines, since no one else does. They would be happy, I am sure, to explain what a land line is.

In the really real world, you may sometimes have to talk. What I mean is, you may have to actually move your lips when face-to-face with another person. That person also may be moving his or her lips.

You cannot do this via texting or tweeting, or Face Time or Skype, or even by direct message. Thus, this “conversation” will require occasionally looking up from a screen.

Yes, I know, life isn’t fair. And I know this is difficult, but I truly believe you are the generation that can do it. After all, you invented couch-surfing.

And now here’s the really bad news. In the real world, spelling does count. You cannot write an amicus curiae brief for the Supreme Court by beginning with “ICYMI, TIA becoz u r gr8.”

Unless, of course, the start-up really takes off and issues an IPO. Then, LOL.

Thank you for your attention and you can now take the ear buds out.

 

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