Yes, I officially acknowledge that during the last 18 months or so I have frequently referred to my opponent as “that slimy dung beetle.”

And on occasion, I concede I may have mentioned that my opponent reminds me of the guy with the chain saw in “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” and when I said that, I didn’t mean the sequels or the remakes, either, but the real original most gory thing.

It’s also possible, I admit, that from time to time I could have mentioned that my opponent’s policies are full of cockroach spawn and would mean the end of civilization as we know it, or at least a significant increase in its price.

Additionally, it is highly likely, I know, that I may have on occasion threatened my opponent with a Kalashnikov 322XL Turbine if he continued to interrupt me while I was speaking. Or not speaking.

And it is furthermore true, I confess, that once or twice I may have blamed my opponent or my opponent’s partner or my opponent’s partner’s niece for killing Bambi or the Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Serbia, one or the other, thus ruining the movie or setting off World War I and ruining dining out in Sarajevo for several years.

Nevertheless, today I am proud to announce that I am endorsing my opponent for the highest office in the land, if you don’t count what Mark Zuckerberg does.

Let me explain why.

I have been extremely impressed that my opponent has shown, during the campaign, that he is a model of consistency, always sticking to ludicrous policies that, while they would bring a swarm of locusts to three quarters of the civilized world, give locusts of all varieties, colors and ethnicities a fair shake. That’s what this country is about.

My opponent, fortunately, shares the same core beliefs that I do — that the Cubs will never win the pennant, no matter how many free agents they sign, and that nothing good can ever come out of putting pineapple slices on a pizza.

Moreover, my opponent has shown a willingness to compromise, especially if you compromise him with Goldman Sachs-type money, along with an all-inclusive trip to Punta Cana and all the artisanal draft beer Brooklyn can manufacture.

In addition, my opponent has promised me that from this moment on he will listen carefully to my supporters and take their venomous and vengeful rage into account when he makes any future decisions.

I am also happy to announce that my opponent also has promised me that when he triumphs in the coming election, he will respond to this endorsement by putting me in complete charge of everything while he is drinking beer in Punta Cana.

And lastly, but most important of all, I am now endorsing my opponent because I have come to the conclusion that my opponent has the best chance of prevailing next fall against the other party’s candidate who is, as I’m sure you know, a slimy dung beetle.

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