This evening’s menu, brought to you by sustainably grown people who can pronounce ceviche and actually know what it is.

Please note that all dishes are available in portions that will make you embarrassed to be an American.

                Small plates (These choices used to be called appetizers, but we changed the name so you don’t notice how small the food is):

Teeny tiny kale salad, with poached kale, sautéed kale, seared kale and grilled kale, with kale croutons, doused in a kale vinaigrette. Non-kale version optional.

Old MacDonald’s Farm’s truffled gnocchi with balsamic gpeppercorns and toasted ghazelnuts.

Artisanal cheeses, curated by cheesemaker Ethel Artisanal, formerly a personal injury lawyer who decided to stop filing class action suits against gnocchi makers and give up making lots of money so she could return to the simpler life and to her roots, mainly non-GMO turnips.

                Medium Plates (too large for one, too small for two, expensive for all):

Yellowfin tuna, caught purely by chance, not baited at all, then braised, glazed, praised and raised in a sustainable ocean with waves that are only available in-season.

Roasted porcini and cremini, in a film by Fellini. Vegan option, with porcini and cremini replaced by Post-it Notes, optional.

Free-range Jell-O pudding pops, slow-baked in a cast-iron skillet by highly committed social work graduate students. Gluten-free, but only on request and only if you bring your own gluten. (Corkage fee extra)

             Large plates (only a little bigger than medium but large enough to make a significant dent in your Individual Retirement Account):

Cold-brewed designer pickles, cage-free and grass-fed and tutored in seventh-grade trigonometry by pesticide-free teaching interns.

Kobucha, with a side order of kimchi over a pilaf of quinoa, and seasoned with kippers. Or on the other hand, could be kimchi with a side of kobucha and no one would really know the difference, would they?

Wild but friendly pork belly, aged in our oak-splattered aging house with an idyllic view of the river, and then gently introduced to their diverse set of neighbors, Pancetta, Canadian bacon and Prosciutto.

                Sweet plates (because no one says desserts anymore):

House-smoked birthday candles, sautéed with a dollop of extra virgin first-pressed vintage Gatorade that the birthday girl spilled.

S’lesses, our chef’s take on deconstructed s’mores, with an organic graham cracker, an heirloom house-made marshmallow and gently melted and individually crafted designer chocolates that have not been tested on animals. Taste-free.

And now are you ready, perhaps,  for the wine list?