I know the difference between a tort and a torte. Why not nominate me for the Supreme Court?

The court is down to just eight rotation players. If one of them fouls out or gets hurt — let’s say, trips on a brief —that could be a problem. Yet it is clear at this time that this president and this Senate may not agree on who — or, for that matter, if anyone — should be the next justice on our nation’s highest court.

That’s because they haven’t yet considered my candidacy.

Let me list my qualifications.

I am a constitutional originalist. I believe that the Founding Fathers meant exactly what they said when they said “pursuance.” I also believe them when they wrote, “thereas” and “hereunto,” although I’m not convinced they had a clue about all those “whereases” and used them sort of like we, today, use “you know,” you know?

Amicus Curiae is a friend of mine. He will attest to my fitness for the court, unless he’s still seething over that time we found ourselves on opposing sides in Briefs v Boxers.

I have never been in Chapter 11. I stopped at Chapter 10, when I couldn’t figure out why Raskolnikov didn’t want to leave his cold and tiny garret and move to Key West.

While in Italy once, I ordered nolo contendere.

I have a deep understanding of what a CAPITAL offense is, and therefore promise to always use lower-case letters when appropriate and according to legal precedent.

I have a high bench in my garage, although, admittedly, it may not be the nation’s highest bench. Nevertheless, it would help me reach old cans of wood stain if we ever need them on appeal from a lower court.

I have never been part of a class action except, maybe, that time in first-year calculus when a few of us intentionally came in late to the mid-term exam, hoping that it had gone on without us.

I have a judicial temperament. I can nod knowingly, making it appear that I really understand what you mean when you are explaining habeas corpus and I am really thinking of a recipe for roasted cauliflower. I also only get involved in arguments when I am absolutely right and am certain that no one will use an iPhone to find out I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I have high ethical standards. Sometimes I even need a high bench to reach them.

I’ve had lots of experience at the bar. My favorite is McSorley’s right near the Bowery, but if necessary, I could recuse myself and go to Fitzgerald’s.

I’ve gone through a number of trials. There was the time I took a Megabus from New York to Washington. Don’t ask. There was also the time I had a kidney stone. You can’t imagine.

Furthermore, if chosen for the nomination and confirmed, I give you my word that I will never, in a concurring opinion or a dissent, use the word furthermore.

 

 

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