When my cable bill went from ridiculous to absurd, I realized it was time to cut the cord.

The price of the on-demand dry cleaning channel was going up 13 percent. The C-Span Boring Level Surcharge was being hiked 9 percent. The shopping network was eliminating free delivery. The regulatory recovery fee listed on my bill doubled, and could not be recovered. My Internet modem lease no longer included free oil changes.

And the tier of stations that had been termed by the cable company “starter TV,” which included only one station if the TV set wasn’t facing precisely to the north-northeast, was moving to the tier that was termed “standard TV” and was losing all the standard programs I actually watched.

It was time to look for an alternative.

Fortunately, there are now a number of options.

None of which I understand.

If I wanted, apparently, I could simply get a satellite TV hook-up that would give me about 200 channels, 198 more than I want, but all of which I believe show “Singing Nun” re-runs dubbed into Latvian. To get the subtitled episodes, add an additional $49 per month, not to mention the cost of Latvian lessons that you would be saving.

The problem with satellite TV, of course, is that you have to put a large target on your roof and if there’s a bad storm, your connection might be interrupted, your reception cut off and your house will explode into flames.

Alternatively, the television screen will go blank and you could be forced to actually talk to someone or maybe even read. It is possible, too, that during those circumstances you may have lost the remote control you use for talking to people and have to text them instead even if they are sitting right next to you. Unless, that is, you are already doing that.

Then there’s the now most popular option, streaming. This requires a solid, fast Internet connection, an assortment of plug-ins and friends who understand how to set it all up for you.

If you want to go for streaming, there’s a la carte, live on-demand and live without-demand. Here, you can pick and choose between networks you have absolutely no interest in and networks you wouldn’t be caught dead with. The deluxe packages also offer networks you’ve never heard of.

For streaming, you can choose services like Hulu or Apple TV, Amazon TV or Sling TV, Netflix or Papa John’s. They are pretty much all alike, I have discovered, except each of them offers completely different channels at totally different rates that you can’t actually compare because they’re like apples and oranges. And none of them, unfortunately, offers any apples or oranges as a new customer gift.

To any of these plans, you can add the channels you actually watch, as long as you are willing to spend an extra few dollars a month for the duration of your contract when you will then spend a lot more dollars a month and have any future salary garnisheed.

I think I’m going to listen to the radio.

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