As we head into the final moments of the beginning of the end of the beginning of the start to the culmination of the presidential race, our discussions have rightly turned to foreign policy. I believe that we all should have one, even if the premiums are high, and here’s mine.

My foreign policy is based, my fellow Americans, on the twin pillars of knowing the names of the capitals of a broad number of foreign countries and not having to change planes in any of them.

Consequently, if elected, I promise you I will go to a foreign country and I choose Hawaii. I believe it is important for our nation to enhance our friendship with our Pacific neighbors, particularly those that offer pu-pu platters.

While there, I can assure you I will commit us as a nation to reducing tariffs on any alcoholic beverages that come with little colored umbrellas.

If elected, I also promise you that I will defend Americans’ right to vacation in the Caribbean not only during the winter, but also during the shoulder seasons when airfares are much lower. When they get there, it is important that Americans, no matter who they are and whether they were traveling coach or business class, can be confident that all-inclusive plans do in fact include all, which means breakfast buffets, too.

In addition, if elected, I promise you that my administration will work to reduce the number of difficult grammatical rules in foreign languages that we might want to study. Americans will be safer without having to deal with the passé composé and the anterior pluperfect. And we will never, under my leadership, tolerate the imperfect subjunctive.

Americans deserve the right to know that no matter where you are and what language other people speak, they will understand you when you are in a foreign restaurant and are desperately trying to ask where the bathroom is.

Furthermore, if our nation is to regain its rightful place in the world, we must focus on creating better foreign relations with Texas. I understand it has been a rogue nation, but we once said that about Florida, didn’t we, and today many of us have elderly relatives who actually live there and enjoy the early-bird special.

If elected president, I promise to send my highest-level emissaries to Texas who will seek out the best barbecue ribs they can find and who will work to end the sanctions Texas has imposed on Louisiana.

Lastly, we can no longer be the world’s policeman. The hours are too long and it’s really difficult to walk the beat unless you have really good walking shoes and haven’t been suffering from plantar fasciitis.

Instead, we must join together with our staunchest allies to form a coalition of nations that are committed to staunchness.

Together, we can figure out why those foreign Euros really don’t look like real money.

Neil Offen can be reached at