In my closing remarks, I’d first like to thank our sponsors for sponsoring this debate and for the party favors they said we’d all get when we are done. America is not America without goody bags.

In addition, I’d like to thank all of you who have carefully followed this debate during those times when you weren’t checking your phones to see if you had any new updates to your Facebook accounts or had posted any new pix to your Instagram accounts.

I’d also like to thank those of you who have asked questions, even if we up here have done our best to not actually answer those questions and have repeatedly confused Vladimir Putin with Lady Gaga during our responses.

Now, it is difficult, in the 90 seconds I have been given, minus the 17 seconds I’ve already wasted, to sum up my campaign and what I stand for.

Let me just say that I truly believe we are standing on the threshold of a new era of American thresholds. There are thresholds everywhere we look, because America is a land of unlimited thresholds, particularly during harvest season.

Despite the troubles we’ve seen in recent years, including the rise of kale, we all know that there is a better country out there, if we don’t get lost on the interstate and get off on the wrong ramp. That’s why this nation has invented the global positioning system, more commonly known as GPS, and the National Football League, more commonly known as the NFL.

But we can only reach those thresholds if we all pull together and demand leadership that demands that we all pull together.

What kind of leadership should we demand? Leadership that is strong and not weak and can do one-handed pushups when our nation is under threat. We need leadership that can withstand the onslaught of reality-based television shows but at the same time is willing to choose paper not plastic at the supermarket.

And yes, that means even when the paper handles come apart.

For this nation to move forward and become a place where everyone has the opportunity to have his or her own reality-based television show, we’re going to have to elect someone who can work across the aisle. So let me remind you that I have frequently worked across the aisle, and because of that have actually crossed the aisle and gotten better seats and not had anyone in front of me who is too tall with a big head and blocks out the screen.

With your support, I believe together we can lead this nation into a new era or at least into next year since we are almost there already and there are a couple of holidays and long weekends coming up. Thank you, and God bless Lady Gaga.

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