Dear Outraged Voter,

Are you outraged over how often you get political advertisements in the mail that use the word outrage in them?

Isn’t it about time that all of us in this country stop saying outraged and start using furious, fuming, livid, incensed and enraged? Can’t we be a diverse country of multiple adjectives again?

Are you furious, fuming and livid about our country’s failure to protect good old traditional tomato ketchup against the influx of salsa which has become our No. 1 condiment?

Do you get incensed and enraged when mainstream politicians use words like “condiment” — when you don’t really know what that is — instead of talking truth to the public and saying “the stuff that goes with hamburgers and hot dogs”?

If, like me, you are outraged and wish Facebook had an outraged button or at least a dislike button and don’t know what to do about it, then send money to my campaign.

Are you irate that Iran and Iraq sound so much alike and are only separated by one letter? Are you worried that you could easily confuse them, particularly if you hit the wrong key, and end up supporting the bombing of the wrong country?

Are you finally fed up with the lack of actual understandable words in today’s popular music? Don’t you want to go back to the time when you could actually hum along? Are you concerned — no, infuriated — that you can’t identify a single one of Taylor Swift’s songs?

Have you finally had it when you’re put on hold and told that the company is only doing that because of “an unusually high number of incoming calls”? Don’t you wonder how they can always have an unusually high number of incoming calls?

What are they hiding from us?

Do you believe you really need to listen closely to the recorded message because the “menu has recently changed”? Do you believe it really has changed or do you think that it’s part of a conspiracy to make you listen more closely to option No. 4, which says press if you want to hear all the options again?

Isn’t it time for us all to stand together, as one, against Greek yogurt? What’s the matter with good old American yogurt?

If you want to stand together, then send me money. If you want to stand apart from the crowd, then send me money.

This is the time for all of us to band together and stop tolerating pizza with pineapple and ice cream with sea salt! No more should any of us, in this country, have to read another menu that tells you where the arugula has come from and how the eggs were raised in a supportive environment!

Aren’t you fed up with knowing the name of your server and who’s taking care of you tonight? And are we just going to allow other countries to surpass us in texting per capita?

Not on my watch, which, if you send enough money, could ultimately be an Apple Watch.

Advertisements