Hello, this is your doctor’s office calling, with an important reminder at a particularly inappropriate time in the evening. We would apologize for calling you during dinner or while you are binge-watching House of Cards except that we are a machine and forbidden to ad lib.

This call is a reminder that you — please insert your name here, and pronounce it accurately, for our records — have an appointment on Thursday at 9:30 a.m. with … your provider. If you do not know who your provider is, how can you expect us to?

If this is not you — please insert a similar name once again — then stop impersonating someone who has an appointment on Thursday at 9:30 a.m.

Your appointment is in Suite 203, on the third floor of the second building to your right as you aimlessly roam around the fourth parking lot on your left, while trying to see the tiny little numbers on the side of the building.

For your appointment, please remember to arrive at least 15 minutes early so you can wait an additional 15 minutes until somebody notices you in the waiting room. When you come to the appointment, please remember to bring the following:

  • Your insurance information. (It’s the tiny little piece of paper that is stuck in your wallet and now permanently glued to your Home Depot credit card.)
  • Your new patient intake forms. Be sure to fill out all 17 pages, including your complete medical history and whether anyone in your immediate family every suffered from bunions. Please note that immediate family doesn’t include Aunt Mildred.
  • If you are not a new patient, bring your old patient intake forms but skip the questions about bunions.
  • Your library card in case you have to wait a really long time and want to take out the new Stephen King novel to pass the time. If you are Stephen King, your appointment is not on Thursday at 9:30 a.m.

To confirm this appointment, press one.

To cancel this appointment, press two.

To request more interesting and current magazines in the waiting room, press three.

If you have no interest at all in National Geographic, press four.

If you would prefer to spend your time in the waiting room watching early morning television and receive the agriculture report, be sure to bring your own television with you.

To listen again to this pointless but nevertheless very long robo call, press as many numbers as you can as quickly as you can and try to hang up before we call you again to confirm that you have confirmed the appointment..

Thank you for confirming your appointment. We will call you again next week to make sure you — insert your name here, Stephen — haven’t forgotten.

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