Let me first acknowledge, frankly, that during the debate, I misspoke. I didn’t mean to say that my opponents had the collective intelligence of a pack of dung beetles. I meant to say that they would be fortunate indeed to have the collective intelligence of a pack of dung beetles.

I am truly sorry for my misspeaking. I am also sorry for insulting dung beetles.

Furthermore, when I was answering the question about my foreign policy, and how I would be supportive of our allies, I might have phrased my response a little better rather than saying that the French are a bunch of smelly garlic eaters. Similarly, I understand now that my description of the Germans as “those damn Huns” could have been misinterpreted.

In addition, while discussing my economic policies and how they would make me even richer than I am, I should have emphasized my compassionate empathy by noting that I have several Mercedes only because they get lonely when they are forced to be alone. I should have noted, as well, that some of my Mercedes are vehicles well within the reach of the middle class if they are willing to work as hard as I have and also sell their children.

I am genuinely regretful if some members of the middle class were somehow offended by that and prefer to keep their children.

Also, I understand that there has been some controversy over my referring to my plan to prohibit all Americans who don’t own hedge funds from eating in restaurants that serve oysters. I may have inadvertently misspoke here as well. What I truly meant to say is that any American who doesn’t own a hedge fund shouldn’t eat oysters at home or a restaurant.

I sincerely apologize for this unintended slip-up.

I also deeply regret somehow giving the impression that I am brusque and arrogant and therefore could be a surgeon. Although, to be sure, I have no doubt that given the correct scalpel, it is something I can do if the American people wanted me to be one.

Please excuse my accidental lapse.

Additionally, I think I was unfairly misquoted when several major news organizations reported that I said “to hell with several major news organizations.” That phrase was clearly taken out of context and if you would hear the entirety of my remarks you would know that I was actually cheering “Bravo!” at the end of the first act of “Fiddler on the Roof.”

Lastly, I believe it is important to recognize that under the extreme stress of debate combat, when you are trying not to answer a question and to make a point that you have made a thousand times before and that can be useful for a six-second TV commercial, it is quite easy to get carried away and to misspeak words that you otherwise generally speak perfectly well.

At least I didn’t lie.

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