The story so far.

It begins simply, with a simple desire to make a simple improvement to make life … well, simpler.

Because the vegetable bin in the old refrigerator had vegetables that dated from pre-arugula times, after figuring out what cubic feet were, we finally gave in and got a new refrigerator.

The new refrigerator makes ice so efficiently we’re overstocked and have had to give cubes to many of our neighbors, even if they don’t ask for them and run away screaming when we approach their houses. We just leave the cubes on their front lawns.

But because we still have so much ice left over, we decided we had to have a new oven to help melt the extra ice.

We didn’t know, of course, that a new oven is now called a range, and because we didn’t know, that would cost us 25 percent more. But the new oven not only bakes and broils, roasts and sautés, it even suggests matching wines to go with whatever we sauté, including a 2012 Chateau Molto Pricey.

Because the new oven can accommodate multiple casseroles, a big roast and several racks of cookies, we had to buy multiple casseroles, a big roast and a number of cookies to put on the racks. I went with Oreos, my wife preferred pecan sandies.

The new oven also is able to send vintage steam up toward the ceiling, setting off the non-vintage smoke alarm. Because getting a new smoke alarm that wouldn’t be bothered by smoke was much too easy, we needed a new oven hood.

The new oven hood has an assortment of lights, multiple fan speeds, an exhaust system and a 300-horsepower, all-wheel-drive carburetor, all of which is pretty exhausting. It also has a coating of stainless steel, which means it goes quite nicely with the oven and the refrigerator, also coated in stainless steel and marked by my left hand thumb print.

But because it didn’t appear to go well with the dishwasher, which has thumb prints from my right hand, we needed a new dishwasher.

The old one mixed whites and darks and sometimes took smoke breaks. The new one has 14 place settings, five wash cycles, a seven-level bacterial disinfectant system and knows all the words to Hang On, Sloopy. We are, of course, too intimidated to use it.

It’s also not yet working. It had to be connected to the sink disposal unit but couldn’t be because the hose that was connected to the old disposal unit had pieces of pre-arugula stuck to it and had become corroded.

Because an unconnected dishwasher might flood our new casseroles, we needed a new trash disposal unit in the sink.

The new trash disposal unit in the sink is so high-tech it may make ice cubes, and it definitely makes everything else in the house feel old and stodgy.

That’s why we’re considering getting a new toilet.

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