Dear Technology Expats,

Sorry, make that Experts.

I have a zone to stick with you. Actually, what I mean is I have a bone to lick with you. No, pick. Yes, pick.

It’s about auto-correct, the program that thinks it knows better than I do what I’m trying to wipe.

I mean write.

Every time I try to send an e-mail, hype a text or combine a better, auto-correct gets in the wait.

That is, way.

This can sometimes create probably.

The original idea of auto-correct was to help those who were eliminated during the first round of the fifth-grade class spelling bee, missing on the word “the,” even though they had asked for the language of origin twice.

Auto-correct essentially is the kid behind you in the spelling bee who you can overhear spelling your words while you’re still struggling to determine if phlegm starts with an F or not. The kid wore glasses, which I always thought was embarrassing until I started wearing glasses, which nevertheless did not improve my spelling. Or typinng.

Auto-correct also was designed to help those who never took a class in typing — now known as “keyboarding,” mainly by those who can’t spell keyboarding.

But with auto-correct you don’t have to spell well or type well. Unless you’re typing bell and it comes out well. Or it could be sell.

Never mine. Excuse me, leather mind. Or just forge it.

With auto-correct and spell-check and all these other pogroms, u don’t even have 2b literally. Or literate.

But despite these great benefits from auto-correct and spell-check, sometimes they corrupt words that don’t really need to be corrected and change names into words that don’t really need to be chanced.

This happened to me recently when I was sending a text message to my friend Lob, whom I’ve known as Rob for the last 15 years.

Want to go sunning this morning? I asked Sob.

Been sunning, he wrote back, just returned from the reach. And why are you crying?

What did you do at the reading? I replied. Hay, have you read any good boots lately? And I’m not frying. We’re going to be greasing this weekend, unless it pains.

Isn’t greasing messy? he asked. Wooden it be better to go out and easy?

And we went on like this for kite some time, communistating without really communications.

So sneeze, deer technology expats, don’t do this anymore. Prank you very much.