You’ve probably been wondering what distinguishes me from the other 56 announced candidates for the presidency.

For one thing, I’m shorter than almost all the other candidates. I would’ve been taller than many of them if I didn’t have flat feet. I figure a real arch would’ve given me at least another two inches and made me much more presidential.

I’m also not from Texas or Florida.

But more importantly, I’m different than all the other presidential candidates — now numbering 83, since we last checked — because they’re all running for an election that still doesn’t happen for 16 more months.

I, on the other hand, while admittedly running for that election as well, am also officially here starting my campaign for the 2036 election, and I think there are so far only 14 other declared candidates for that race.

Why am I starting to focus on the 2036 campaign?

In American politics, you can never be too early. It takes time to choose a name for your super PAC that can seem both ultra-patriotic and yet not say anything at all.

Plus, I figure, with global warming and the rising of the oceans, by 2036 we won’t have any more coastal states and I’ll only have to campaign in seven Midwestern primaries, mainly from my Wisconsin beach house. It will make my primary season travel schedule much easier, particularly considering how expensive airline fares will be by then and the likelihood they’ll even be charging for the small bag of pretzels in 2036.

The other advantage of running for president in 2036 is that I won’t need to run attack ads on many of my opponents because I have no idea who they will be and probably most of them are in middle school now.

The candidates for the next presidential election — now numbering 114, according to the most recent data — are fixated on the short term. I see the long term, including the Cubs finally winning the World Series and Breyer’s mint chocolate chip ice cream becoming available intravenously.

I know some pundits are already wondering if I will be too old in 2036. I say to them I’m already too old for 2016 so how much worse could it be? Also, everybody else will be older, too, except maybe Donald Trump, so there.

While focusing on the next Iowa caucuses and the upcoming New Hampshire primaries, the current 206 presidential candidates, as of right now, are too caught up with the problems of today and missing the problems of tomorrow, which are much like the problems of today only higher in calories.

Not only am I ready to debate 2016’s 288 other presidential candidates, according to the most recent count, on the issues of the day, I am also ready to debate on the key issues of any day in 2036 — although my preference would be April 25, 2036, a Thursday, I believe.

Thank you and God bless 2036’s seven remaining United States.

Advertisements