An update is currently available for one of your intricate pieces of technology. This update will enable you to make improvements to usability, security and laundry sorting.

Would you like to download it now? Or would you rather be left further behind and continue to be the laughing stock of most middle school kids?

Step 1

Go to the homepage. It’s three blocks past the gas station on the left.

Step 2

Select “update.” This is the second option of the third menu from the right on the toolbar at the top of the screen near the end of the line but before you reach Times Square. If you get lost, you can also download our new series of directions on how not to get lost.

Step 3

Click on “download.” That’s the big blue button in the center of the screen. It’s not the red button to the right of the screen or the yellow button to the left of the screen. However, it’s also possible it might be the green button near the bottom of the screen. Try it and see what happens, but be sure to remain at least 12 feet from the screen, just for safety’s sake, when you click on the button.

This will take you to a new screen. Or there’s a fairly equal chance it will put you on hold with the cable company.

Step 4

Select your computer type. If you do not have a computer and are performing this function on a Walkman cassette player, touch the out-of-touch button.

If you actually have a computer but don’t know what type it is, look on the bottom for the barcode and the list of nutritional ingredients. You can also find these options hidden under the menu cleverly called “Options” to the left of the screen.

Step 5

If you don’t want updates, alerts and desserts made with Jell-O, uncheck the boxes below your computer type. If you do want updates, do nothing and you will receive six e-mails each morning from term life insurance companies.

Step 6

Click on “download now.”

Step 7

Click on “download now” again.

Step 8

Click on “download now” again seven or eight times.

Step 9

Keep clicking on “download now” until something happens.

Step 10

Click, very quickly, on “undo.”

Step 11

Keep clicking on “undo” until your computer freezes and you can’t even play “Solitaire” on it any more.

Step 12

If there has been no combustion, install the file by following the easy to use directions from the Install Wizard. Do not annoy the Install Wizard with silly questions about the dumb vizir hat he is wearing.

Step 13

The Install Wizard will tell you that it’s now time for a newer update. Ignore him and click “remind me later.”