Let’s take a look at the wine list, which has hints of papyrus and an ethereal bouquet of late-harvest No. 2 pencil.

But first, let us explain our wine philosophy and why one bottle will cost you more than next month’s mortgage.

We have selected wines from the major wine producing regions of the world and arranged them by their grape varietal, their region, their terroir and how they pronounce terroir. We generally favor wines for their style, expression and approachability and whether they have any idea what it means for a wine to be approachable.

Here, then, are a few of our selections, beginning with the reds, which are identifiable immediately for their color, which is red.

From France, we find a 2011 Chateau FrouFrou, which was a very good year for those who thought they would never get out of 2010. Made from selected grapes grown in the back alley of a restaurant where the waiters go to make fun of your accent when you try to speak their language, this wine is warm in the mouth, cool in the knees and a pain in the butt.

Also from France, we find a 2009 Mont St. Metro, a classic cabernet from the last cab of the last train leaving from the last Metro stop near the hotel you found on Yelp and couldn’t understand why it was so cheap.

The richness of this wine embodies the intensity of life on the Metro, where people frequently use words like cornichon rather than saying pickle. It has a wild fruity aroma accented by strong spicy notes and a hint of leftover poppy seed bagel.

Still in the reds, we move to Italy, where we find a Morellino di Scansano Montepulciano d’Abruzzo 2010, known for its rich taste and many syllables. You’ll find here a hint of peach, a touch of oak, a whisper of laundry detergent and a sprinkle of confetti. There are, as well, touches of fresh pears and Honey Nut Cheerios.

This is a wine that pairs well with roasted meats and grilled Dramamine tablets.

Let’s move over to the whites now, which are distinguishable by their color, which is not red.

From Italy, you’ll find a 2005 Silvio Berlusconi and a 1979 Mario Puzo. These wines both have high acidity and low self-esteem. They do offer, however, an austere tanginess that blends well with their tangy austerity.

Both are particularly well-suited to drink in glasses, rather than trying to chug them down.

I’m So Blond, a 2008 chardonnay from the mid-coast of California, just down the road from the self-actualization raw milk vegan yoga stand, offers chewy tannins and a crispy, complex mixture of sand and kidney stones. This is a wine that is not too earthy, not too jammy, not too much of anything except expensive.

It’s the perfect complement to a well-oaked migraine headache.

Finally, our silky 2012 sauvignon blanc from the Napa valley is toasty but unctuous, fruity but velvety, structured but disorganized.

Or would you rather have a beer? I’ll get the list.