Please stop texting.

Thank you, and let me now be among the first to congratulate you for the tremendous accomplishment of completing your college education and for the even greater accomplishment of not staring at your phone while I offer your commencement address.

Thank you as well for inviting me to be your commencement speaker even though I am currently not Jon Stewart nor the head of Apple. While I can’t offer you free tickets to my last show or a job where you can wear pajamas all day, I can offer you hard-won insight on the journey you have taken and 50 percent off an entrée of equal or lesser value.

You have arrived at this day by a most circuitous route, mainly because your battery was winding down and your GPS was not working as well as it should have. Next time, be sure to MapQuest before you leave home. That could have helped you avoid that awful history of the long-leaf pine sociology course.

You also have arrived here through hard work, although not nearly as hard as you told your parents you were working. Hard work, you may have come to understand, doesn’t only mean early Wednesday mornings after the bars have closed.

You came here to this campus as unformed pieces of clay waiting to be molded. You leave as fully realized young adults with clay stains all over your clothes, including your good pants.

You also leave with a significant increase in your knowledge of craft beer. Just a few years ago, you couldn’t tell the difference between an India Pale Ale and a run-of-the-mill Pilsner. Now some of you can even legally drink while going whole sentences without saying “dude.”

But this period of your life is ending and the next period, the one where flip-flops are generally considered not appropriate business footwear, is beginning. This new world is not, you should know, all IPAs and IPOs. There will be no spring break and if you do find a rent-controlled apartment, it’s likely you’ll have to share it with shower hogs.

Be aware, too, that in this new world voice menus have recently changed, so you need to pay careful attention. And while your call is important to us, and even more important to you, you may be put on hold until next March.

To survive in a challenging world like this and even live tweet it, you need to be true to your principles and must value what is important, as long as it’s part of your Facebook news feed. Always remember that the salad fork goes on the far left of the plate and don’t worry about the dessert fork because you can always use the spoon.

Of course, if you’re still using plastic utensils because you’re paying off your student loans, it really doesn’t matter that much.

Thank you, and you can now resume texting.

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