After close consultation with my family, my advisors and the magic eight-ball, I have decided to place my hat in the ring for the presidency of the United States.

The hat is an 8 ½ inch felt job with a floppy brim that protects my scalp from the sun when we can no longer count on my hair to do the job the American people want.

I am declaring my candidacy because I am ready to take this country in another direction — preferably south-southeast, where you can get a Groupon for a really good deal at one of those sun-drenched Sandals places.

Just imagine, my fellow Americans, how much happier we’d all be if our lives were all-inclusive.

Some of you may wonder now why I am making this announcement here rather than on Facebook or Twitter like the new-age candidates do or in a living room with billionaires playing snooker like more traditional candidates do.

First of all, I don’t know any billionaires (although my friend Bruce spent an enormous sum for Rolling Stones tickets). Secondly, I can’t play snooker and am not really sure what it is although it sounds like something the American people wouldn’t want their president to play.

Thirdly, if you know any billionaires, please tell them where they can contact me. I will be on Facebook and Twitter.

I am running for the presidency because it’s faster than walking and because I believe deeply that I can unite the factions that have split our party and divided our country. Who wants a split party where only some of the guests get goody bags?

I believe I am the candidate who knows how to keep America safe in an increasingly dangerous world. I am the only candidate willing to issue to every resident of this country a little yippee dog who would annoy the crap out of anyone threatening this great land.

Right now I am only one of 362 declared candidates for the presidency, but over the next 18 months, I promise you, my fellow Americans, that I will distinguish myself from the pack by never again using the phrase “my fellow Americans.”

Too many of the other candidates are stuck in the past, still trying to explain why pet rocks were popular. But I have already been to the past and seen the silly clothes it used to wear.

We must go forward into the 21st century, even if it means figuring out how to use a DVR and finding out what Roku is.

I believe we live in a country where even someone like me, who grew up in a humble rustic log cabin in the middle of The Bronx, who had to walk to school barefoot because I kept forgetting where I left my shoes, can reach for the top, maybe without having to use a stool.

This election will be a choice. With your help, we can be the kind of country that becomes the kind of country it wants to become.

Today, after this announcement, I will be heading to Iowa and then New Hampshire, assuming they have all-inclusive package deals available.

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