The Neil Offen Column yesterday posted strong first quarter results that breezed past Wall Street’s extremely low expectations and even surprised some family members who haven’t laughed in months.

In a conference call with analysts, Neil Offen Column CEO Neil Offen, citing those results, told Wall Street, “nana nana boo boo and so’s your old man.”

In reaction, shares of the privately owned laugh factory remained at an all-time high, which was remarkably similar to its all-time low.

The column, which manufactures lame jokes, insufferable puns and the occasional clever witticism, reported after the markets closed that revenues were steady compared to the fourth quarter of last year and the third quarter of the Celtics vs. Bulls game from October 2008.

Before the markets closed, however, the column picked up some broccoli, a couple of cartons of orange juice (medium pulp) and low-sodium vegetable broth. Analysts, particularly those following the volatile high-tech low-sodium vegetable broth sector, called the column’s work “a coup,” particularly because it was a buy-one, get-one day at the market.

In a research note issued along with the results yesterday, securities analyst Omar Vizquel, with the firm of Veni, Vidi, Vici and Schwartz, said the growth was surprising “because, you know, after all, he’s not really that clever even if he thinks he is. But his grammar is excellent.”

Net income, after adjusting for the need to repair the toilet on the second floor, for the second time, and the absolute waste of cash spent at that awful Asian-Popsicle fusion restaurant, continued to keep pace with net loss. That doesn’t take into account amortization, which we’re not taking into account because we don’t really know what it is.

The strong showing amounted to 43 cents per share if you assume that a share is worth around 43 cents. That was 43 cents more than analysts had predicted.

After adjusting for currency fluctuations and a large dinner with dessert last night, The Neil Offen Column gained two pounds over the first quarter. Analysts recommended smaller portions and more exercise.

Overall, for the full year, the column has posted gains in giggles, chuckles, sniggers and snorts, while seeing a slight dip in chortles. Company officials attributed that fall-off to the strong dollar and the high cost of importing chortles from their native Tajikistan.

Neil Offen, also the column’s chief financial officer, projected that the company would see an upswing in the new fiscal year in hoots, cackles, titters and perhaps even guffaws, a previously unexplored product for the company.

“We are poised to take advantage of the dearth of humor in our everyday lives,” CEO Offen told analysts, who were barely able to refrain from laughing out loud. “We strongly believe that if two guys walk into a bar, really, one should duck.”

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