Booking made easy.

Please key in the airport from which you want to depart. If you don’t know or can’t figure out the code letters for the airport, we will assign you three letters at random and you may have to leave from Bogota, Columbia.

Now key in your destination airport, which also could be Bogota, meaning you will go nowhere but we will still charge you $25 for your first checked bag.

Next, choose your departure date. This is generally the date you will depart unless we cancel your flight just after you have spent three hours going through security.

Choose your arrival date. It can’t be a Tuesday.

Are these your exact dates or are they flexible? Instead of returning on April 15, how would you feel about coming back on Sept. 9?

Are you a child, adult, senior or an insurance salesman? Do you prefer morning, afternoon, evening or spending the entire day at the airport trying to get your smartphone to work?

Coach class, business class, first class or do you have no class at all? Will you be traveling with a monkey? What’s your body mass index? Will you be able to fit in one of our seats?

We are now searching for your flights. We are trying to find the flights with the most difficult departure times and most inappropriate schedules. This may take some time. It’s not easy.

Here are your possible flights. First select your outbound trip.

5:15 a.m. This flight makes two stops, one in Atlanta and the other in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan. Arrival time is next Thursday.

11:53 p.m. This is a direct, non-stop flight but you have to take the middle seat between a crying infant and someone else’s monkey.

Now select your return trip.

3:33 a.m.

3:34 a.m.

The earlier flight will arrive at your destination 23 minutes later than the later flight but will provide slightly larger bags of pretzels with appreciably lower sodium content.

Total cost of the flights you have selected: $1,287, plus tax, fees and tips minus your co-pay if you have met your deductible.

If you want a seat where the person in front of you doesn’t recline all the way back: $1,316.

If you want a seat where the armrests work: $1,392.

If you want a seat near the toilet: $1,401.

If you don’t want to be the passenger whose checked bag is the last one off the baggage carousel: $1,415.

If you want your checked bag not to go to Lisbon when you are going to Newark: $1,600.

If you don’t understand why airline fares continue to go up even though fuel prices continue to go down: $1,616.

Please arrive at the airport three hours in advance of departure so we can delay departure at the very last minute.

Advertisements