Although I am not, at this time, a candidate for president in 2016, I have decided to create an exploratory committee that will explore ways I can avoid saying I am a candidate for president in 2016.

While I can assure you I am not, currently, a candidate for president, I have nevertheless already raised $8.7 billion in campaign funds in case I change my mind and have to run TV ads denying that I am a candidate for president in 2016.

Even though I am not, right now, running for president in 2016, I have decided to hire a campaign manager who will be able to say, on my behalf, that I am not, right now, a candidate for president in 2016.

While it is true that I have scheduled trips to Iran, China, Egypt and Botswana, it is not because I need to upgrade my foreign policy bonafides. In fact, I don’t even know what bonafides are and whether I have any or need to vaccinate against them.

I’m taking the trips because I found an excellent guided tour to those countries that includes all breakfasts, no single-room supplements and free tote bags.

Although I have not decided yet if I will be a presidential candidate in 2016, I do intend to spend the next six-and-a-half months in Iowa. They have excellent butter there which is generally lightly salted and so smooth it doesn’t tear the bread.

The reason I have decided to give a speech every hour on the hour for the next year is not because I am a candidate for president in 2016. It is because I like being able to say the word bonafides into a microphone.

Although, it’s true, I have not yet decided whether I will run for the presidency in 2016, I have developed an extensive economic plan for this country that you can find at my website, http://www.notyetrunning.com. There you will notice that I offer advice to anyone who will be president in 2017 about how to increase productivity, help job-creators create jobs and make a creamy risotto that does not depend on fossil fuels.

The reason I have been meeting with leaders of industry, Wall Street and education has nothing to do with whether or not I will run for the presidency in 2016, which I am currently not doing. It is because I frequently get lonely and don’t like to sit on the couch by myself with no one to talk to.

When I meet with these leaders, sometimes we discuss the weather. Other times, we talk about our kids and wonder why they don’t call more often. Then there are the times we just schmooze about real estate or complain how you can’t get a good pastrami sandwich anywhere these days.

Although, at this time, I have not yet decided if I will run for president, if I were to run you would be the first to know, unless you’re already on my exploratory committee.

Advertisements