A few days ago, just as I was all geared up to waste a few hours on mindless digital drivel, my Internet went down.

I would not be able to check if Old Navy was offering buy-one-get-ones on women’s pajamas again. I could not get updated on whether there was a new Kardashian on the loose. I couldn’t send an email to an old high school buddy asking if he was actually my old high school buddy or just a guy with the same name.

I could not tweet or post or update my status or play Words With Friends with someone in New Zealand who actually wasn’t my friend. I was also unable to look up what the weather will be Wednesday in Beloit, Wisconsin.

Without the Internet, I realized, I was cut off from all modern contact, alone with myself, left to my own devices. And my own devices weren’t working, not even my iPhone, which was in the kitchen making a frittata.

Now, of course, I realize I don’t need to be connected to be connected. I could live without a dependence on electronics. Instead of this constant need to be plugged in to the world, I could explore the private, existential meaning of life — if I only could remember where I had left it.

Well, actually, I realized, I couldn’t.

So I did what I had to do: I blamed the cable company for screwing up my Internet connection. Then I blamed members of my family, even those who are living in Brooklyn.

When none of that blaming worked, I knew I had to try to fix the problem.

So when you’re dealing with technology and you don’t have a clue what to do, what you do is re-boot.

I put on a new pair of boots.

They were the right size, though a little tight around the toes. But, still, no Internet connection.

So I shut down the desk top and then shut it up. I plugged the laptop off, I plugged the laptop on, I plugged the laptop off and then I turned it all around. I even did the hokey-pokey, but still nothing helped.

I re-booted my tablet, found my phone and switched it from my left front pocket to my back right pocket while reciting, from memory, the prologue to the Canterbury Tales.

Still no connection.

I unplugged and re-plugged the cable that connected the router to the modem. Nothing.

I unplugged and re-plugged the cable that connected the modem to the router. But that didn’t work either.

So I unplugged the cable that connected the printer to the monitor, and the one that connected the CPU to the carburetor and the other one that connected everything to the USB port or what I thought was the USB port since I have no idea what a USB port is and where you might find one.

Then I read a book. It was already booted up.

Advertisements