Someone recently asked me what do I do now that I am, technically, retired. I don’t play golf. I don’t trade stocks. I don’t complain (at least very much) about how my back hurts.

So how do I spend my time? How do I fill my days? Why does retired sound like you are just getting tired again?

Here’s my answer:

6:35-7:49 a.m. Wake up normal time, but try to make believe I’m still sleeping so others who have to drag themselves out of bed will be jealous.

7:49-7:53 a.m. Revel in their jealousy.

7:54-8:22 a.m. Breakfast. A time to charge up the body for the challenges ahead even if there are no challenges ahead. Consequently, can eat Baby Ruth bars instead of oatmeal.

8:23-8:41 a.m. Think about lunch.

8:42-9:12 a.m. Write e-mails to Taylor Swift.

9:13-9:16 a.m. Ponder meaning of life. Or at least try to understand why so many people are now suddenly gluten-intolerant if gluten was only discovered last March.

9:17-9:48 a.m. Discover that the lunch I’ve been thinking about requires a number of ingredients that I don’t have, including gluten.

9:49-10:26 a.m. Learn a language. Start with English.

10:27-10:43 a.m. Send tweets to Mark Zuckerberg.

10:44 a.m.-12:06 p.m. Try to figure out how to transfer old audio tapes to MP3 files if I have no idea what an MP3 file is and have never gotten beyond MP2.

12:07-12:39 p.m. Eat grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. With side dish of Baby Ruths.

12:40-1:52 p.m. Work on Great American Novel. If blocked, work on Great American Short Story. If blocked, work on Great American Poem. If blocked, work on Great American Haiku. If blocked, work on Great American Nap.

1:53-2:12 p.m. Water plants, even if three of them are dead. At least they’re not complaining about how their backs are hurting any more.

2:13-3:11 p.m. Remain on hold while calling cable company to complain about having to turn on the cable box by hand every time I use the remote to try to turn on the television. Try to identify background music as a means of keeping the retired brain intellectually stimulated.

3:12-3:19 p.m. Ask Warren Buffett for financial advice.

3:20-4:33 p.m. Call to make an appointment at the doctor’s office. Pay close attention to the menu options because “our menu options have recently changed” even though they really haven’t.

4:34-5:00 p.m. Pass the down time by counting the number of towns in Wyoming beginning with the letter “E.”

5:01-5:44 p.m. High tea.

5:45-6:16 p.m. Higher tea.

6:17-6:38 p.m. Sneezing time. Wonder why some people sneeze in twos, other people sneeze in threes and I sneeze in twelves.

6:39-7:15 p.m. Make a to-do list of what I don’t have to do tomorrow.

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