To make sure you are not a robot, an Uzbekistani hacker or an 11-year-old computer geek living down the block with too much time on his hands, please answer the following security questions before we can allow you to access your account.

Who was your childhood best friend?

That’s easy. It was Caroline.

No, that’s not right.

It was Connie! She sat right next to me in fourth grade in Miss Bave’s class.

No, that’s not right.

Vickie! Had to be Vickie! When we were in junior high, I borrowed all her records and never returned three of them and she never said anything until we had that argument over “(Lavender Blue) Dilly Dilly.”

No, that’s not right.

Alice. Linda. Cheryl. Frannie. Wendy. Bernice. Valerie?

Yes, that’s correct.

Valerie? Really? I didn’t even like her that much. She was so stuck-up.

Question No. 2: What was your favorite book?

I always liked “Great Expectations.”

No, that’s not right.

And “Uncle Teapot and the Foodwood.”

No, that’s not right.

“War and Peace”?

No, that’s not right.

“Crime and Punishment”?

No, that’s not right and stop showing off.

“Crime and Peace”?


“Sweet Valley Serenade”?

Yes, that’s correct, and aren’t you embarrassed?

Question No. 3: What is your favorite hobby?


Not if you answered “Sweet Valley Serenade” to question No. 2.




Yeah, right. That is, not right.



Final question: What was the name of your first stuffed animal or doll or action figure?

“Mr. Bunny.”

Yes, that’s correct. How did you remember that one?

I still have him right here in my pocket.