Welcome to your new electronic health records portal, ushering in a new generation of high-tech medicinal confusion. Here you will have immediate access to all the frustration and time-wasting that in the past you could only get by going directly to the doctor’s office.

First, choose a log-in method.

If you can remember if you’ve had chicken pox or whooping cough, choose log-in 1.

If you have had your tetanus shot within the last 10 years, choose log-in 2.

If you have tetanus, choose log-in 3 but don’t try to move your neck.

If you are allergic to sulfa drugs, but aren’t sure why, or even what sulfa drugs are, choose log-in 4.

If you just want a refill of your prescription for dealing with the rash on your right foot, call the pharmacy, you numbskull.

Enter your user name. This could be the name you use. It also could be your first initial with your last name or your last initial with your first name. Then again, it could be your mother’s maiden name or the name of the character played by Marlon Brando in “Last Tango in Paris.”

Enter your password. It should be the same as the year of your birth or the last four digits of your Social Security number or four other, random digits you have forgotten to write down in a place where you can reasonably find them.

Now that you have logged in to your new electronic health records portal, it’s time to manage your personal health information in a secure environment that no one except you and hackers in Uzbekistan will be able to see!

On the top left of the homepage, you will see all your clinical data, including the fact that you had gout in 1987. If you didn’t have gout in 1987, what are you doing in Uzbekistan?

Also listed here are all the exams you have taken, such as an X-ray, a colonoscopy and the new writing section of the SAT. The results of those exams are listed on the results tab, which you can reach by clicking on the “My Info” tab which will take you to the “Health” tab which will take you to the “Personal” tab which will take you to the log-in page.

In the middle of the page, you can connect to any other health care providers, as long as you know their fax numbers, tax identification numbers and dates of their births. The new electronic health records portal will help you find this information by giving you three guesses about their birth dates before sticking you with a needle.

Finally, on the bottom of the page, is your “Health Journal,” where you can keep track of any conditions affecting your health, such as increased stress from trying to log in to your new electronic health records portal.

Thanks for visiting and remember to eat kale!