It’s time we stand by our records, so let the record show that my opponent has pulled the wings off insects.

My opponent has been seen, in public, wearing white socks with black shoes.

My opponent supports taking American jobs, such as Venetian gondola drivers, and outsourcing them to Italy.

According to published reports, 79 percent of our fellow citizens know that my opponent has tried to snort Diet Coke up his nose using a straw — and then failed miserably at it because of excessive, partisan laughter.

Ask yourself, why has my opponent never officially denied involvement in the killing of Bambi’s mother?

Is it true my opponent prefers gluten-fee low-sodium salt bagels over Kellogg’s Corn Pops? Is my opponent ashamed of American culinary tradition and harbors a preference for illegal immigrant breakfast dishes instead?

Whose side is my opponent on? Attila the Hun’s or Mother Teresa’s? Beyonce’s or Jay Z’s? iPhone or Android? Abraham Lincoln or Lincoln Town Car?

Time after time, my opponent has not answered the Final Jeopardy answer in the form of a question. Is that who you want representing you when the category is Nuclear Catastrophe?

In 1929, where was my opponent when the stock market crashed?

Why doesn’t my opponent have a cute puppy? Is my opponent ashamed of puppies, resistant to puppies, anti-puppy? Did my opponent cry during the final scene of “Old Yeller” or was that just another easy political photo op?

My opponent plays the tuba.

Voters want to know if it’s true that my opponent has amassed a string of two separate bank accounts and has profited from an interest rate slightly above 0.075 percent APR (as long as he maintains a minimum balance and writes two checks a month)? Where are the answers?

My opponent’s family members have clearly benefited from their relationship to the candidate, receiving from the candidate significant gifts at the end of every December. Aren’t we all tired of that kind of cronyism?

How does my opponent explain the fact of frequently being seen with people who respond to four questions in an email by only answering three?

Has anyone noticed the connection between my opponent and global warming? Between my opponent and the rise of Miley Cyrus? Between my opponent and designer pickles?

So what does my opponent stand for? And how long can my opponent stand for it without needing Superfeet insert arch supports?

If you’re comfortable with electing someone who can’t tell the difference between its and it’s, then, yes, go vote for my opponent. But if you are reluctant to rely on spell check and autocorrect, I welcome your support.

I ask for your vote because, remember, I’m not my opponent.

I approved this ad, although I think I may have done the approving while suffering from a sugar rush from too much leftover Halloween candy.

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