This is update 8.02.4/6, designed to replace update 8.02.4/5, which replaced 8.02.4/4, which was supposed to greatly enhance your reading experience but instead locked you directly onto the paid obituary page.

This new update will fix the problems caused by the last update, and may possibly help you determine which is the bad cholesterol and which one is the good. It will also increase functionality so that you never have to use the word functionality again.

On the other hand, it may result in several minor explosions and cause contact dermatitis.

Update Step 1: First, check that your reading material is compatible with your other reading materials and with your current visual ability. If you have to grow your arm longer and hold the newspaper further and further from your glasses so you can make out these instructions, then you are probably not compatible with small print and shouldn’t try to read baseball box scores.

Step 2: Consider Lasik surgery.

Step 3: Make sure before beginning the process of upgrading that you back up all your personal data, such as the almost-completed crossword puzzle you’ve been working on. This is done by transferring your response to 27 Down to ink, even if you used pencil because you are not absolutely sure what was the three-letter capital of feudal Japan beginning with an E.

Step 4: Delete any articles that are not essential or do not interest you, including “the” and “an.” You don’t really need them if you are only communicating via Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.

Step 5: Change your settings. Remember that the salad fork goes on the right outside the regular fork and the soup spoon goes in the soup if you are having soup. If you are not having soup, return to Step 3 and substitute “Ramen” for “Lasik.”

Step 6: Look for an icon that says “Upgrade” or “Click Here” or something like that in a place where you are most unlikely to find one. You could have left it in the closet downstairs.

Step 7: Click on “Continue.”

Step 8: Click on “Wait, I Didn’t Mean to Continue! Not Right at This Moment. Not now.”

Step 9: Begin again. Stop cursing.

Step 10: Be patient. The updating process is complex and inscrutable. Staring impatiently at the process while it’s upgrading will make it self-conscious and embarrassed and slow it down. Try to take your mind off the process by thinking of world capitals that begin with the letter Q.

Step 10: Do not try cooking a frittata while the updating process is underway.

Warning: Please do not stop reading this and power down before your updates are complete.

There are 12 of 12 updates to be installed. You are now on No. 1 of 12. Watch out for No. 6 — it has a history.

Step 11: Keep your eyes peeled for update 8.02.4/7.

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