What the government would hear if the government was listening in to my telephone calls.

To my wife:



 I can’t hear you. Talk louder.

 I am talking louder. It must be your phone.

 No, it’s yours.

 What did you say?

 I said talk louder.


 Did you call me?

No, I didn’t call you. It must’ve been my phone.

Did you just hear that beep?

What beep? It must’ve been your phone.

Hello? Are you still there?

Yes. Did you buy the meat for dinner?

Did I return the DVD to Blockbuster?

No. Did you go to the bank?

Yes, I picked up the clothes at the dry cleaner.

Make sure to check the prescription.

Will do.  But can’t talk right now.

Why can’t you bark?

Yeah, my back hurts, too.

Why did you call me?

I don’t remember. I think it was to remind you to call me later.

I can’t talk either. Talk to you later. Gotta go.

To my daughter-living-on-her-own:

Hello. Why haven’t you called lately?

Been busy.

What have you been busy with?

Oh, nothing.

Then how could you be busy?

Couldn’t catch that. I think my battery is going. Forgot to charge it since last Tuesday because of the power outage and the robbery.

What power outage? What robbery?

I think I’m losing you.

What’s that noise in the background?

It’s nothing.

It sounds like sirens.

It’s nothing.

Are those people screaming?

No, it’s just my roommates.

How are you? How’s your cold? Did you go for that check-up? Did you find the key you lost? Did you finally pay that bill? What’s the matter with your toe?

Fine, good, no, yes, no, nothing. 

Did you remember to call your Aunt Jane and thank her for the pot holder?

I’ll do it tonight.

That’s what you said last week.

I was busy.

What were you doing?

I think I hear sirens. The flames are getting close. Gotta go.

To my doctor:

It’s probably nothing to worry about, but if it’s really bothering you, why don’t you come in to the office and we can check it out?

OK. Can I see you next week?

I’ll be at a conference then.

How about the end of the month?

I’ll be on vacation.

Next month?

I’ll be on sabbatical.

Would January work?

Call the office. Gotta go.