My new homeowner’s property insurance policy, No. 684CBGB, is now in place because the premium on the previous homeowner’s insurance policy, No. 732ACDC, was about to go from ridiculous to outrageous.

I read the new policy carefully before, of course, carefully filing it away in a place where I’ll never find it again. This is what it said:

Note: This property insurance policy does not protect against losses from earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, mudslides, elephant tramplings, dropping the jar of apricot jam jelly-side down or Boy Scouts coming door-to-door to try and sell you two-gallon jugs of caramel popcorn.

This homeowner’s policy also does not protect against ice cream melting in the freezer during extended power outages unless it’s mint chocolate chip. A special rider is available for vanilla fudge ripple.

What is covered in the policy is damage to your psyche if guests arrive before you’ve moved the reading matter that has piled up in the bathroom or you’ve left the Panini maker in the oven while you’re pre-heating for the frozen lasagna.

If a family member needs the Heimlich Maneuver after laughing too hard at the pictures of you from high school that are on the mantle, you can file for cost-of-replacement mantles. 

Furthermore, and here I quote verbatim, from Section B, 1., b, (2), also known as “Hovercraft Liability,” “hovercraft means a self-propelled motorized ground effect vehicle and includes, but is not limited to, flarecraft and air cushion vehicles.”

Consequently, we have gotten rid of our hovercraft.

Remember that in this policy, “You” and “Your” shown on Page 9 (b) of the declarations do not refer to “Me” and “Us.”  Nor do they refer to “the little old lady who lives down the lane.”

The deductible in this insurance policy, if you go to an in-network provider and do not have a body mass index or credit score report above 30, is $500, so expect any bill you have to pay for damage to your property to be around $499.

All other terms and conditions apply, except when they don’t.  Or when you try to make a claim, unless the claim is made on a Tuesday in the spring, after the rain, and is not the result of a pre-existing condition or is clearly your fault. 

This policy is underwritten by a Panama-based firm that is administered by a Delaware-based corporation that is owned by an enterprise based in the Cayman Islands that is part of a company affiliated with a unit of the Red Army of the People’s Republic of China, that is solely owned and operated in conjunction with the Disney Corporation and a conglomerate whose market-tested name doesn’t include any vowels and is based in the Azores.

To report a claim 24 hours a day, make sure your clock is on Azorean time.