Because interest rates are now at historic lows, except for last week, when they were also at historic lows, and next week, when they will still be at historic lows, and the fact that history itself is also at a historic low, we have decided to refinance.

It’s an extremely easy process, said the mortgage person at the bank. All you have to do is fill out these few simple forms:

  • Conventional Refinance Fee Information Form. This is the fee that you are charged for deciding to refinance during the year after the Democratic National Convention is held. It’s an extra 2 percent when you can’t name the vice presidential candidate.


  • The Truth in Lending Disclosure Statement. This is a form that we must bring to the library so that they can disclose how much they will charge us if we lend any books to family members who then forget to return them. The interest rate can balloon in the fifth year if the books are still there under your daughter’s bed.
  • Appraisal Report Disclosure. We have to sign this to agree to disclose the results of an appraisal that we have agreed to order so we can disclose its results.
  • Cable Television Disclosure Verification Estimate, in which we must declare if we actually have HBO or Showtime or just tell people we do so they won’t know that we just have basic cable and are now finally watching Season 2 of “The Wire” on DVDs we’ve borrowed from the library.
  • Lock Status Disclosure Form. This is the form where we have to disclose that we have five different key rings and a total of 47 keys for locks that we’re not sure we still have anymore. Some of them may be for the suitcase we took to Europe in 1971, the year before they invented wheelies. Some of them may be for combination locks that don’t take keys.
  • Leftovers in the Back of the Refrigerator Disclosure Form. The form requires us to list what’s on the bottom shelf, behind the feta cheese, how long it’s been there, whether you can still read the sell-by date and what color it is now.
  • The Good Faith Estimate Form. Our estimate is that our faith is adequate, although probably not that good except around major holidays.
  • The Request for Transcript of Tax Return. Hey, if they can find out where it actually is, good for them. For all we know, it could be with the pile of vegetarian lasagna recipes or it might be in the third drawer of the filing cabinet that’s in the closet of the extra bedroom.

It’s also possible it’s on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, behind the feta cheese.

But of course, that’s only a good faith estimate.