I’d like to explain why I didn’t win the election. Not running, of course, played a major role, but I think my defeat goes beyond that.

My campaign was based on telling the truth to the American people. I know now that I should have put that truth in the form of a question, but I haven’t been watching Jeopardy very much lately because I’ve been getting home too late.

Many of these truths were difficult to swallow, particularly the ones that were seasoned with chervil, an herb unknown to a large portion of the electorate. I should have reached out to those voters who have continued to believe, despite the growing scientific evidence to the contrary, that tomatoes are a vegetable.

I should have broadened my campaign, taking into account the demographic changes sweeping our country, and spoken directly to those who no longer have a land line and think of email as something you only do with your parents. Instead, I kept sending them emails and calling them on their land lines.

I should have been more inclusive, and made a stronger effort to engage with those who disagree with me on fundamental issues even if they continue to be ridiculously wrong, pretty stupid and insist on making fools of themselves by wearing brown socks with their sneakers.

My economic message probably was off target, too, mainly because I still can’t figure out what my economic message is or whether you should leave a tip when there’s no actual waiter service, they give you one of those number holders to put on the table and then you have to clear the table yourself?

I know I should have paid more attention to fundraising, but most of the people I would have asked for money are people who are usually asking me for money and are still in the process of trying to refinance their mortgages so they can afford additional chervil.

I know that some also have questioned my foreign policy credentials, particularly those of you who have seen my passport photo. But I can assure you, it’s no worse than my driver’s license picture even if it does add a little heftiness to my face and makes my hair look grayer than it is.

And yes, I needed to improve my ground game. Unfortunately, most of my ground is covered with leaves, and even when the leaves are gone, there are a lot of bare spots where there should be grass or maybe chervil.

But despite all my failures, despite my inability to win the popular vote or the free, 3-day-2-night trip to the Bahamas (rental car included if you respond within 48 hours), let me remind you, my fellow Americans, that I continue to believe that we are still one country, even if some of us like eggplant on their pizza.

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