Our first question will go to you, Mr. Offen, and it focuses on domestic issues. How can you explain your failure over the last four years to both wash the dishes and dry them?

First of all, I’d like to thank you for asking that question. And I’d also like to say how glad I am to be here with you, in this blog, which I have long admired and which I also occasionally read.

I think that reading is one of the essential qualities that make us what we are and without reading we would not be able to check our Twitter feed and see if anyone we know has had a good, nourishing breakfast this morning or has seen the new Ben Affleck movie.

Reading is good for us and I promise to support reading as long as it is in the large type format.

Now, when we talk about dishes, I think the important thing to remember is that I have been a long-time supporter of paper plates and Chinese take-out which comes with those nice little disposable white boxes.

Here, in the 21st century, with all the alternative technology available to us, including plastic containers, we cannot go back to the failed policies of the past which included getting the silverware stuck in the kitchen sink trash masher and ruining a large number of forks.

Would you like to respond, Mrs. Offen?

I, too, am pleased to be here rather than at the sink trying to scrape off the old pizza crust from the cookie baking sheet. Pizza and cookies, not to mention french fries and mint chocolate chip ice cream, are what have sustained us for so long and I believe all of us are entitled to extra helpings, even if we have difficulty getting up from the table following that third slice.

But to do that, we all have to shoulder our fair burden, sponge our fair number of plates, scour our fair share of pasta pots. We all need to pitch in even if there’s a playoff baseball game on television and it’s the bottom of the ninth inning and they’re bringing in a new pitcher.

And I’d like to point out as well that, as you know, under my kitchen administration we have only run out of spoons twice and juice glasses three times. Plus, I have a plan that will add three clean dinner plates and two sparkling skillets to the drying rack, and I will be able to do that without increasing the amount of liquid detergent.

Thank you both very much. Next time the focus turns to foreign policy and why some of us want to go  to Paris on vacation while others would just prefer to eat french fries on the couch.

Advertisements